Sick

Alrite I’m sick. I really am although I think it’s one part physical, 2 parts mental (not that kind of mental) and 3 part emotional. it’s really draining me. You know the feeling like you’ve slept for the longest time and you would be feeling refreshed and rested but No~!~!~!. You’re feeling cold, feeling lethargic, unmotivated, misdirected and utterly confused and because you’re emotions have more impact than your mind. You really dunno what to do and you do things that comes to find and just do them irregardless of any order or any importance or simply any pattern.

Seriously saying many things I’m doing dun make any sense to me at all. Why am I applying for uni when I dun even know what course I really wanna take. Why am I learning driving when I know that I’ll probably not drive till I’m 30. Why why why? Why can’t I grow taller? why can’t wake up early each morning? Today, there were guests in my home, but I didn’t to head down to bbdc to try out the BTE yeah I failed by 1 miserable mark. Which on reading the book afterwards, I discovered the few million mistakes I made. But this raw emotion surfaced, it was disappointment, misery and the urge to succeed, the selfish human nature of trying to keep up with the joneses, trying to realized why things didn’t work out the way it should be. Am now thinking back I still feel sick. Sick in knowing that the only few emotions i feel is not gratitude, love, respect, admiration but sadness, dejection, misery, jealousy, deceit, selfishness.

There I have these noble dreams of being a better man to be someone who could change the world even by the littlest bit, but who would listen to my ideals and dreams when these dreams have no single tinge of realism in them. It really sucks when feelings can’t express what u wanna do and when u express these feelings in words, half the meaning is lost. When can feel your woes unless they are in your situation you’re in, who can feel the lonesomeness of being alone swimming in thoughts and not gaining any clarity for close to 20 years of your life. I am different from the average guys, I know I am and it doesn’t seem to be in a good way. What I value almost never make sense to the rest, the things I say sound alien and comical. And talking bout comical, how I hate it that I make jokes out of my own problems because sharing my problems never seem to have the same effects.

Oh gawd! Wad am I to do? Pls tell me.