Saturday Morning Reveries

I gave Open House meeting a miss the moment i woke up at 10am.

it's becoming a ritual more often then not that each morning as i awake from my crappy sleep, i remember how weak and powerless i am to take control of my life; the times i turn the shower and it dawns on me that i have yet again forgot to switch on the heater. I reminded i'm still human.

And that very moment i actually feel cold. Drama as it sounds, it is true. It is in the wake of the morning that i actually feel rather than think, cos when i tink i can't feel. It has almost become sort of habitual and instinctive detachment, a defense mechanism put in place so that i believe a cold-hearted workaholic slave-driver that helps distract me from the more important things in life like love, friendship, self-development.

The past weeks has been like a typhoon with so many events and personal attacks aimed at the individual. All i can do is try to stand up to it or get blown away. People calling me self-centered because I trying to improve our piece of work. You call me self-centered for trying to help the group achieve a better grade? Oh come on... I sacrificed sleep, i sacrificed the time i can use doing leisure so that i can help me and me alone achieve a better grade? Ridiculous.

And this is why sometimes i really think that i should really giving advices altogether because i am unable to do anything to my own life with so few people willing to understand me and also no one seems to value my advice. How many times have they gone unheard i really wonder. How powerful and powerless our creator is for making us powerful to heal others but not ourselves.

Maybe that's the reasons why no man is made an island, we need support from one another. A symbolsis, a mutual beneficial relationship, a lifelong journey together and until we find our partner, growth & motivation will always be willed by the mind and not from the heart( what many of us call it passion.) We feeding ourselves a lie just so that we can move on with our lives.
And after this tiresome & lonely journey, it becomes that what we feeding the hearts is not what it needs and here comes what i coin as the emotional wear and tear which is resultant from my depressed and repressed weekends, wallowing and thinking about the happenings around me and lack of ability to make changes to it.

Oh how i wish, i thought more highly of myself. I behaved more like the person people perceived me to be. Only those who know me WELL(how many can claim that?), will know me a swaying ships. Argh.. This is getting depressing... until the next entry

Oh alrite. I watched Eragon it's alrite but you're better off rewatching narnia/ lotr. other than that... hmm... i went carolling yesterday at Mt A. It was quite fun. Got to sing and chat with Chris, Amanda, Gracie, Del, and Mel. So it was pretty good.. Gracie's driving rocks.