Who am i again?

I've always wanted to be like this person and that person. I wanted to be successful, smart, brilliant, hardworking, creative and be recognized for it. I desired change, change that will help me fulfill this desire. But somehow, God & Life seems to have ways to toy with you, to test you, to tell you and to make you realise that the closer you try to change to get to that goal, the further you are away from it. It seems funny but, it's so painful to discover that all that you have done so far, many of the things has been in vain.

At the beginning of the week, I did a personality test that i have done 2 years ago. And shockingly, i have almost changed to become my worst nightmare. I am not longer the one i used to be. The positive thinking, carefree, happy go lucky, trusting guy i was gone and in his place now stands a self-centered, self-doubting, selfish, revengeful person. I had hoped to be a better man but what have i really becomed. All the things i have done, thinking that they will aid me in becoming the person i want to be, a happy, cheerful, optimistic, outgoing, has actually led me to become a miserable fool, who is smug, conceited, so full of himself.

And so today, i was humbled not by the might of the fist, but the might of the pen. Ticks decided the fate of my test results. From the 40 i had hoped for, the hopes were quickly dashed as the pen went through the lines of almost undecipherable handwriting before ticking the end and write a big 34 at the top. It's not big deal to some(or most), but this is a stab to heart saying you are useless, you should just give up. It really does say this cos this what i am left with. I dunno who i am no more and i dun have many other things left for me to proud of, i thought i did but now it seems otherwise and my heart, soul and mind refuse to align to aid me. What i am to do?