Long Overdue

It’s been almost a week since the exams ended and here I find myself trying this long overdue entry about not only my life but also my thoughts. So where to start? Hmm okies let’s start with the exam period.

This semester hadn’t been a very eventful one I guess. I found myself gumbling at not very big deals just simply becos there was nothing much to grumble about. I made all the insignificant things sound so important in hopes that someone will actually notice. And yeah I initially planned to go jogging at least thrice a week but I found myself only being able to do so once only. Studying wise, I guess was what you would call lukewarm a word I’m becoming very familiar with because that is what I feel I am, lukewarm. I make these plans and goals to achieve but somehow when I get started on them, I simply given up before I even try. Just like this entry, I had planned it rite after the exam but somehow it has taken so long. Well back to the exams, lots of surprises appeared, things that you never thought would come out came out, Things you mugged your ass off believing that it would appear never did. Rather lame if u asked me. Well I just I do well enuff for me not to feel fucked up on results day. Results are actually not very important when I think about life, it’s always just doing good enough and that’ll be great but somehow there’s are other factors that make me want to do well, call it peer pressure, self-induced pressure, sense of responsibility, hope of being noticed, yeah the hope of being noticed.

I really want to be noticed and that’s why I do things that people think it’s alittle extreme. It’s quite sad really, some one came to my house that day, and as he chatted with my mum, she just kept going on and on about wow how impressed she was with him. And I have to say I was kinda jealous of the positive attention for she went on and on throughout the night. I can’t believe it, do I fare so badly when you compare. You know sometimes I feel my mum should really just read one entry, just one entry of mine. But she’s stuck in that world of her that has literally shrunk to a point that it cannot shrink anymore. And that’s the other reason I hate being at home, it’s so stifling, yes I know I’ve given a lot of freedom to do whatever I like to the extent that they feel that I treat this home like a hotel.

Anyway, after the exams, it should have been this feeling of ecstasy and relief but that day, I found myself almost invisible. I mean literally, i walk past people I wave but there was no response from them almost as if I was invisible. It happened not once, not twice, but 5 times and that was when I accepted that today was meant for me to be transparent. Whatever joy I initially want to shared had became nothing more den emptiness in my heart. I guess this is what life is like living in my small little world. And so I drowned myself that day in a movie and in the book call the Zahir and also what I would mandatory and forced gaming with my friends. Seriously speaking, after all the times u see me online playing games, haven u noticed that I stopped playing those games that needed a lot of brain cells. It’s not because I dun like them, but I feel troubled about my problems and my inability to share my problems that i have in game that dun need brain cells, just lots of movements and patterns. Dota using a new character gives me a headache. Dota using character with many ways to plays and flexibility gives me a headache.

Well, after reading the Zahir, I has many thoughts, some that made me questions my past decisions and some that gave me hope and bliss knowing that there is light or in this case love at the end. There was something about the trains tracks being of a certain length because of the decisions made a few century again. It was trying to highlight that we were subconsciously conforming to norms that has been dere for eons.

And of cos, Friday had a meeting, den fixed my new com, yeah spanking
www.hp.com.sg/store/tertiary if you want to check it out. Den I transferred lots of tings to watch. Watched eureka seven, one piece, rah xephon, fmp, loads more. I guess they help to preoccupied my mind cos I simply can’t solve my problems at the moment. I have lots of things I had planned to do. But I have to say, a lot of em are simply not moving at all. I pray for a miracle to happen. To rekindle this lukewarm people’s spirit. Well that’s felt good being able to express my tots.

There was this gals I was chatting with the other day who say I was old and I tot to myself, subtleties and self induced misery has actually cause this imperfect and incomplete aging or would you like to call it in its more dignified term ‘mature.’

Oh btw, Sat/Sun we celebrated Ant’s Bday, Happy BDay Anthony Koo Zhi Wei!! You Know you’re a friend and buddy for life. May your wishes come true.