The Summary

I guess, my life really revolves around these things only, work, family, friends & love. So let mean just disclosed some more tots from this closet writer, this real persona that give the geniune answer from that is raw, uncensored, uneditted and real. It is this person that in truth should be living the life but is not cos of barriers that i have yet to conquer.

The barrier is Me.

Hours before the results were released, i was chatting happily away, i was happily playing my games. I lied that i wasn't anxious of my grades and that i had no expectations. I was trying to hide from the truth, the fact that i screwed up, that i was unable to reach the goals that i've set for myself; that perfect score that i've been yearning for since the beginning. I met with many setbacks along the way, i took a emotional beating, there was floods of negative emotions. But i hit the reset button and tried again. But in this cruel game of life, there ain't many second chances. I had failed myself. All because of the inability to let others know how really frustrated i was. It is reflected on the grades. I failed to live up to my expectations

My own expectations, such powerful words with such personal conviction. Where did my expectation come from? instead of saying it came directly from e. I'll like to say what greatly influenced these expectations were my experiences in life, my parents, my family and friends, the mass-media. I guess there's one person that i cannot blame and that's God. He's the only person who understood what i really hope for and the one who has constantly try to drop me signs but to blind eyes and deaf eyes. Yeah after saying all this, it's now fine to say that ultimately it was me to blame, to be so easily psychoed, so easily manipulated by unknown force of my surroundings. -sad laughter- talk about "taking everything with a pince of salt", Dad, guess i need to take urs with a pince too. and Thanks mum for caring about all the superficial stuff never noticing that you're working hard( U really dun have to work so hard) and not smart, the only way u know that leads to success in the past but not so much anymore. And also thanks for saying all those really harsh, unforgiving words and not understand how it's heartaching it is on the receiving end. I just glad i wasn't on the receiving end but rather a bystander to words like "hopeless" & "useless", "lousy".

Kiasu, Kiasi, i guess i guilty of these traits. The traits that be wiped out of our dictionaries cos it breeds more sadness than happiness in a world when we believe there is only one winner, where the strong survive and the weak eliminated. After receiving my 3.67GPA( it's actually quite good, but it's somehow way under my expectations. For reasons that if i was better leader (of my group and of my own life), i was sad and instead of celebrating with my success with friends with 4.0s,3.9s, 3.83s, 3.75s at the same levels, i was left behind, being only cheers and clap for them while i question the need to be influenced by societal norms and standards. i don't want to be left behind, i don't want to felt insignificant all the time, always being unable to shine, to be cast aside.

My nephew said this to me a few times already, it is one of my greatest insecurities( there probably no securities), i have and i was unable to give him a good answer. He asked " Why are u so small size?" It came across as why are u so puny, so insignificant, so unnoticeable? I really dunno what to say, was i supposed to response, "it's just the way i am born, what can do right?" with a sigh of resignation Or "why don't you go ask God or my parents" with an undertone of frustration. You think i don't want to be taller? That i like to be labelled "that short one", "petite one" all my life. Being treated like a small kid all my life, having to feel inferior to a taller, more bulked up looking hulk.

Well the family avenue has been really stretched cos my mum live in her typical auntie world worrying about the littlest of tings, my sis and dad tired from work, and pretty lost faith in open dialogues. Guess, i have to thank god for my good friends, my best of pals, my bros. You're the ones who do joke about my stature, listening my no link complains that come out of no where and of cos Kevin's latest "C+ lor? what u still doing eh? can go commit suicide rea" This kind of dark humour only u can come up on the spot.

According to some sites on the net, my negative traits include pessimistic, melancholy, secretive, private, shy, elusive. but it somehow says i'm a great kisser. But i've never been kissed, so how would i know. It bugs me how true this is(not the kissing part), but it bugs me even more that the solution i'm hoping for is a long shot.

A while back, a guy commented" I think you're gay."
And i asked him "why"
his reply: "Cos you're always with so many gals but u never seem to take any interest in them"
I didn't reply, i didn't know whether i should have said i believed that my first will be my last, or just tell him that i was too afraid to act. Mayb i really am too scared or mayb my approaches had been too subtle that it has gone unnoticed. I really dunno.

But one tings for sure, i'm straight, i'm waiting for my sparkling evening star / hopeful dawn/ angel/ light at the end of the tunnel to appear.

With so much said and so little done, i can only take comfort that the anguish and sorrow in my heart is diminishing eventhough i'm still living this lukewarm life, waiting for that something to happen. "we need to have strong faith and good deeds to go to heaven" someone told me

I tell u now, good deeds i have few, strong faith i have none, to the Good Samarian,
Do you some good deeds for me ?