Love and the will to carry on

Alrite... Nothing's going according and i guess everything has me to blame.
Studying has been relatively slow and so many times i find my mind drifting off to something else. I would like to be able to say that it's the big guy's fault but it can only be mine.

This morning i went for a jog and even that was a failure. I din run the 20km i expected. I more probably ran something like 12km and walked the rest of the way. I guess if i dun live up to my own expectations for my first day marathon. I only have myself to blame.

Same goes to my results this sem. I keep saying that i need this to prove that i have what it takes to make it. But it seems that all i have is a half hearted desire. You i really wish that i could do all the tings that i've set out to do.

Like finding the love of my life ( yeah there... i've said it), so many times i feel that it this insecurity that is really holding me back. The need for meaning, maybe i have my castle in the sky, hoping my parents could be more concerned about me in the way i need to be concerned. More than breakfast, i need your constant encouragement. I just to know that there are still things worth fighting for in this world.

Dear God, pls give me the motivation to see me through the life i hope to walk.

Clarity

For the past few days, i've been skiving. Reliving my lone ranger ways of doing things, going to church alone, shopping alone, dining alone, watching movie alone and yeah dining alone.

Also, it's been lonesome, i guess the time has given me some clarity with what i need to do moving forward. I need to start working hard to get my grades up again. Afterall, that's y my occupation is a student.

the time to think has also reminded me of stubborness and determination. This idea that sometimes the most important thing is to keep on believing even if the world or the people around dun see things your way. It is important to know that God will always be beside you. Keeping you accompany throughout the your trials. It's always good to know that there's someone who supports you even if everyone thinks different of you.

Reflections

Do i look like i'm trying too hard? Well the truth really is this?

I'm insecure. I'm dodgy. I hate commitment. i hate my indecisiveness. I hate my hasty decision. I hate it that you're probably right and i'm probably wrong. I hate it that you seems smarter than i am. I hate knowingly that i have this urge to compare myself. To be some kind of an achiever. Honestly, what do i want in life?I honestly want a carefree life. I honestly want to learn things that i will actually remember and not like now. I have the memory and attention span of a gold fish.

And i honestly have nothing to show. Past acheivements are useless when you don't constantly keep up