Today after school, I took the 75 and planned to stop at Grange Rd. and transfer to 65 to go home. But on the bus, I began to ponder and life’s many choices that has brought me to where I am today. And as I thought and thought and thought. I shouldn’t be doing the certain things I did. And then I decided to sleep and go to marina. What for? I have no bloody idea. So I sat 75 all the way to the end and arrived at Marina Square where I ate BK and den took a walk from Marina to Funan. It was one of those walks where there was people passing you by but it seemed like you’re alone. I guess it one of those day that I self pity myself and the things I haven’t done because I’m too timid to do it.

Talk about Project G, what’s the point of the creating this where I am not going to start initiating it. It’s such an elaborate scheme and to see its effects, I might have to wait a few darn years. Really hope that after typing this I will feel less miserable and slow to initiate. Ultimately, I hope that I’ll be more focused and motivated to do my work.

Blog Abuse

Sad to say that what i post here will have more negative stuff than positive ones. Reason behind this is actually quite simple. Somehow, the moment when you are genuinely feeling good will usually be outnumbered by negative one. So in my heart i can onli draw on positive experience to push myself through the hard times. However, we are onli human and we will still subcumb to our weaknesses and feel frustration and anger. But this is where my trusty blog comes in, become this is where i can vent out my damn frustration. So do pardon me when i have nothing good to say but lousy and crappy feeling.

Wings of Pride or Ego?

I asked to be taller
So as to reach higher
Instead You Gave Me Wings
So that I can fly and touch the sky
But You didn’t teach me how to Fly<
~Greg~

Well those words above basically sums what up what I have to say about my life. Today, for many reasons, I feel really down. Somehow I feel inferior and I can’t really express it.

I begin to compare myself with others and I see many difference. Are those difference that make it me so much different from others. Comparing my physical attributes, we are world’s apart, gender, height, appearance, etc etc and yet why is it that she is able to handle so much more and excel so much than I can. Is it because that person has a loving family and I don’t. Maybe? Maybe not? I wouldn’t say I don’t have a loving family I would just say that my family doesn’t understand me at all.

Or izzit because that person has a partner and I don’t. This is something that bewilders me but I am so ignorant of. Is the power of love so great that it gives one the ability to endure and persever longer. Is it so miracleous that one actually feels like doing better? I wouldn’t know cos I never was attached so there not’s point really dwelling on it is there? I am so sick of waiting that I guess that I’m even tired of watching typical love stories of happy ever after.

What ever little confidence that I had has been shattered even if I don’t show it. And in place is a mixture of self-doubt, anxiety, fear and a tiny ray of hope that I will be able to climb out of the hole that I have dug myself into time after time. I don’t know what it is called. I only hope that I can eventually become a man worthy of my dreams and ambitions.

Eventually, I will learn how to fly. Eventually

It’s amazing how fast time has just passed by. Each time I pause to reflect, and think of writing everything I felt, I just feel so tired. I tired not because I am physically fatigued. Rather, I feel so mentally drained. With so many things running through my head, with so many things I want to do, I really wish that I had more energy, more time to do things.

Everyone has dreams and aspiration, I’m sure we all do eventhough it may not be a really clear one. Well, guess what I had my typed out in my laptop. It was a point- form word document which was about 2 pages long. That long huh… Not really considering, that I have so many things I wish to accomplish. Like getting a good job, joining OCS( if they would actually want to accept me..), finding a life partner and of course eventually settling down. Of I won’t tell you what are the specific and what other things I wrote in there because as you should noticed by now that I don’t like talking. Especially about myself unless you actually corner me and make me take truth serum. I mean it’s damn bloody personal and me being the insecure person ( yeah.. I think that I’m insecure) that I am. Do you think I’ll tell of cos not.

But there is one thing that I am very much sensitive to eventhough I do seem to joke a lot about it and seem to heck care when people joke about is my height. Ya Sure! U can comfort me by say that I’m not that short, that you are blessed with other gifts, and that there are a lot successful people who are short. It doesn’t change a damn fact that i wish to taller than I am now. It’s true that I being too preoccupied with it. But i can’t help it. It’s just the way I am, if I don’t like how something is turning out, I’ll be very much preoccupied by it. And that’s the damn reason why I like being second, I don’t have to set the tone for things. Cos if I had to, it just sometimes seem so unattainable.

You heard of this famous saying about how “ Dreams will always just remain a dream unless you make it happen”, I guess it the other reason why I am the way now, because I just so sick and tired of waiting for things to happen. What for my study mood to come back, waiting for that special someone to appear, waiting , waiting and waiting. Be patient you say, ya like how to with the world around me being so fast paced.

You know when I got back from Sabah and was back in Singapore. Let me tell you how much frustration I felt and how much I wish I could have stayed in there. Sure the people there may not all speak my language, sure they’re not as rich, but one things for sure, their competitive spirit was performance-driven like our society. Ask yourself this, how would answer this question of mine? How’s life? What will you tell me, very busy with school lar, very sian. I mean how many will actually say Life’s great. And come to think of it. I have begun to lose the positivity that I found back in Sabah. Things are back to square one again.

Third week into school and I can only say that I look forward to IEF because KPT is just so interesting. Sure a lot of people dun like her because she keeps shooting you but I guess I love it because I’m not getting shot at because I keep a Low Profile. Isn’t it true, I have kept a low profile all my life. In primary school, in SJI eventhough I was the CSM of SJI-NCC(AIR), how many actually knows the real me, not many I guess, needless to say in NP, I lie low. But I start to think that it’s quite hard to grow if I continue to keep my profile low. I’m missing out on so many opportunities. Ms Wong is okies lar I guess, her style is okies only I guess. Because I still like to be spoon fed or what make it sound nicer facilitated.

Another bother now is how I’m still unable to concentrate in my damn studies now. I just feel so slack and don’t feel like doing tutorials. All I can think of is about how to make my experience in Life a more memorable and enjoyable one. One where ten years down the road, I’ll look back and say going to Ngee Ann was afterall, the right choice. Not that it’s not a right choice already but just because, now I think back, there just seemed to be nothing really really worth remembering yet. I mean I can actually cover more stuff just by reading on a bus than at home. How I wish i had an air con. Seriously, I think that is the missing key to my concentration. Of cos a peace of mind is another.

And soon the third week would have gone and I will be writing another entry complaining about my self proclaimed miserable( when it actually ain’t too bad) life. About how my com broke down about how, i don’t know how I am going to complete all the things that I’ve set out to do.