Things I'll Never Say

This entry begins with an SMS i received and i wondered to myself what should i reply?

"How have you been?"
"fine", "better","great!" or the truth: "miserable and living in regret"

There's always two side to a coin, the yin and the yang, the good and the evil. sometimes i just dun want the present me anymore. The goody too shoe, the push over and the ones who goes with the flow. Maybe if i was more opinionated, maybe if i stood up for myself more, just maybe then i would feel better.

So am i happy or am i sad?

I'm sad because of many issues. My height, my lack of fortune, my lack of intelligence, the lack of direction,the lack of achievement, the lack of confidence the lack of money, the lack of faith, the lack of love, the lack of passion. the lathergy, the laziness, the fact that people look at me and tink i'm boring. Maybe i should start to learn how to start conversation with strangers. Maybe i should tell my family that we need to talk more. Maybe i should learn to revamp my room.

A friend walked up to me after a certain incident and asked so what now? you feeling sad? Can i say no i'm not sad. Well that what i said but what can i say? God dealt me a bad hand? Maybe we're just not fated to be together? what nonsense, on hindsight, it has always been me. the lack of courage to say the things that's needed to be said. I know how many ppl look at me and i simply accept. But how i hope that someday all that would change

Well… Well… Well…. What has been well? How’s Life? Just like that… I suppose. Still stuck in limbo… Still the same height… still having problems with SBJ… Still Single… still living at bukit purmei... Still love my anime and movies.. Still hoping for good things happen…

I haven’t been updating for the longest time. Kinda kicked the habit of journal but it’s a good habit I hope to continue. Why? Cos life just seems so empty. It’s as if I’m simply going through motion. Living a day as it comes. Watching the world go by like a observer. Totally sucks. Realising that you simply dun remember or rather give a damn about what happened the days or even just a few minutes before. So here I am. This is me trying to make an effort to communicate.. this is me trying to make an effort to be a better man... This is me trying stop feeling sorry for myself.

So Where am I now? I’m in NS. Another 1 yr 4 months to go… posted out from OCS to ETI Nee Soon and now training at Seletar Camp. 4 months to my commissioning( if I survive ETI… Date: 140608) den mayb after that just maybe I’ll be able to finally get my driving license. Most probably going to SMU after I ORD.

Turning 21 this year... No big party though. Maybe next year or the following year. Why? It’s just a matter having the inability to organize one this year. Too much hassle… Too little time and totally not in the right state of mind. I’ve been putting a lot of things on hold. But I guess I’ve got no choice. I made some bad decisions without thinking it through and so here I am living with the consequences. Cause and Effect I guess. Sucks thumb… rofl...

Maybe when I wise up some day, become a calmer and less of Kan Chiong Spider and I’ll lead a happier life making better decisions.

You know having said all this… I just wanna say that we only live once. Let’s try to live life to the fullest. Move on. Stop dwelling on your problems and instead try and find solutions. Changes are happening so fast. If you don’t keep adrift, you’re gonna wake up one day. Just like me realizing that life has just passed you by and you don’t know why. How I wish to turn back time. How I wish I had more balls when it mattered.

How I wish to lead a perfect life. But here’s the thing: there’s no such thing as a perfect life.