My Story

Time has really passed me by. In a matter of days, I'll be 24. I would have lived thru 2 cycles of the Chinese zodiac. I would met countless people and forgotten many as well. More importantly, I would have loved a precious few but had not the courage to tell them that. I keep telling myself that I'm not good enough for them and that no one would ever love a guy like me. Poor, average, ugly, short, untalented, all I have to offer is my heart which is much. And even as I yearned and hope for someone to appear it is really hard when I don't have the courage to take the first steps.

I've been running away from myself for so long that I just couldn't take it anymore on the my recent trip overseas and broke down. There weren't many people to blame but myself- For not being honest with my feeling when I obviously know I harbor a crush on this gal for so eat time. The first time i met her. I already felt that she was out of my league. She was taller than me, she was smart and she carried this air of elegance and poise that I could never measure up to. The second time we met was when I started to feel a connection with her. We shared many interest in common. We shared similar temperaments but it was obvious that I didn't the confidence to match hers. Years of being treated as small and tiny didn't do any good on my confidence.

If I were rate her on a scale of ten, she would be a 9 on mine.

Openess

well, it has really been a long time since i've blog and so i guess no one in my current circle will know that i actually blog.
I pen this here in hope that one day, someone will find it to know that all these thought have been through my heart & mind.

The saying goes that it's in giving that we receive. And so, it's only is being open can i seek resolution.

Today, i'm gonna share about my greatest fear. my greatest fear spawns from Death. If i were to die today, my greatest regret would be that i've never loved anyone more than i've loved myself and that i will die alone. Not remember by anyone.

I was born a timid boy with dependency issues. I was told that when i was a pre-mature baby and when i was borned, i stop breathing for a while. It nearly gave my mom a heart attack and when i continued breathing, i was a put into the ICU. From then, i guess it was developed that i was showered with care, concern and love. It was always surrounding me to the point that I only knew how important it was to me when i was required to go out into the real world. I remember that when i was going to kindergarten, i was so afraid of this unknown world that i cried and needed my nanny to be on the outside for almost like 2 weeks before i began to make friends with the people. You would think things would get better with time but with each milestone in life, this fear of the unknown, fear of being alone resurfaced. i was really thankful for the buddy system in primary school and when i was primary 5 when it was streaming again, for a second i nearly lost all my best friend cos i was being streamed to a different stream. and had it not been for my best friends deciding to go to sji together with me, i would never have feel at ease.

But moving into the angsty teenage phase, it wasn't easy to acknowledge these feelings for need a constant companion to talk to. Fortunately for me, there were always these bus buddy who would take the bus with me to chit chat and talk with me. I would also say that this was a great outlet for me due to the fact that there seems to be this generation gap btw my family and me. My dad was always working and spent little time talking to me about the difficulties in life and my mom was a housewife who advice were very auntie and so it just didn't seem like they understand. and when i came to BGR problem, there was almost no one i could turn to because my sister although being older than me is not attached.hen this issue is brought even generically, she always brushes it off. And so, really my only output was occult and odd things that didn't make much sense like astrology, teen magazine, internet and sometimes the issues that faced my pals in school.

So when service in SJI NCC came knocking, it seems like the natural diversion to my problems. Just focus on soaring to greater height, bring the cca to new heights and i think i did well, we managed to clinch the gold award for the first time and best air unit in the process. But in this all, i missed my first opportunity to know a special someone. Now looking back, i was definitely not suited to be a peer support facilitator because i didn't even know how to support myself yet alone others

Since young, i've been short. it doesn't help much when the whole level don't remember you for being that short fart to the point they even call you the company shortest man. I mean there is truth in that because i really am just short but i would sometime hope that people dun remind me of that and see me for my other strengths.It is also because of this that i think i had these self-esteem issues that yeah, i'm really imperfect and miserable as a person. I was afraid that even if my guys friend accepted, there would be a gal out there who would. i was still the timid old self, i was afraid of showing a ugly side of me, i want to be this perfect person that people will notice. and you know, being the youngest, attention is usually showered on you, but it tink it was cos of my angsty years, that it results in this relationship with my family whereby i felt that like the only way to get my parents to notice was to excel in everything else that i've done. Like trying to do well for O'lvl, being a good student leader, getting onto the director's list and graduating with a diploma with merit. Blame it on the asian culture, but i was always really just hoping that my parent would tell me that they're proud of me, proud of the things i've done and not support me quietly, watching me grow.


Transiting to poly was hard even with the orientation, i was slow to open up to ppl and being cooped up in a boys school for 4 years kinda prevented me from being socially alrite amongst the gals. It was only over the years, did i realise that girls were actually these creature that were similar to guys and human beings. Each beautifully imperfect and each having their strength and weakness need the support of others. throughout poly, i made many friends of both genders but if you asked me if why i was still single or if no one attracted me, it wasn't true. It was simply because i didn't have the courage or even the self-esteem to say that yes i can be the man in this relationship. I can see myself supporting her in the endeavours. I can see myself providing for her in the future. Yes overthinking and brooding, a problem i have come to acknowledge.

When i was in the army, i came to the conclusion that i was weak and i wouldn't want to impose my shit on others and made a silent vow not to get attached or even attempt to. So for two years, i devoted myself to work, to hone army skills, to improving fitness, people skills and or even just plain patience. But if you think i was a robot, i wasn't, i was always in this constant fear of lonely. A fear like in the movies, that the guy beside you would just die or disappear and it was true, my 9 months in ocs. There were so many times, i want to share my fears and frustration but when there's no one there to help you or talk to you and your buddy seemed to be not there. There's only God.

God was my source of comfort, i would go for mass on weekends alone and just sit there and rest. Yeah sleep in mass is bad, but i was just dead tired. And there were the days, anthony was a really great few to me, for simply being there and chit chatting with me. But now that he has a new bff, i have to acknowledge that things have to change and will continue to change.

And if you ask me why now i tink it is important to acknowledge the important people in my life is because i really hope that they're always be there. i have no big problems with my family as they are very supportive in their quiet ways. Just that i hope that they would make more noise. but now, it is about finding my core group of friends that i see many years of friendship ahead. But the main reason is because a good friend of mine died when we're in army. He was well liked in class, abit rough around the edge, he always talk about weird and morbid stuff that other didn't know how to handle him and i didn't like him much. It began with me trying to exploit intelligence and expertise that help me with my grades. but he was really a frank and sincere person that you could count on and he was also going to enrol in SMU . Why i talking about him so much because this are the piece of good memory of him left. On the first day he bought his motor bike, he decided to take a ride on the expressway but was wedged by two heavy vehicles. He lost control and got crushed by the vehicle. And he was a great friend but i never got to tell him that.

So now, even when in knowledge that i am afraid, even in knowledge that not everyone will see things my way or even in knowledge that love will go unrecirpocated. I've come to realised the shortness of life and that we must really try to the best of our ability to make full use of it.

Love and the will to carry on

Alrite... Nothing's going according and i guess everything has me to blame.
Studying has been relatively slow and so many times i find my mind drifting off to something else. I would like to be able to say that it's the big guy's fault but it can only be mine.

This morning i went for a jog and even that was a failure. I din run the 20km i expected. I more probably ran something like 12km and walked the rest of the way. I guess if i dun live up to my own expectations for my first day marathon. I only have myself to blame.

Same goes to my results this sem. I keep saying that i need this to prove that i have what it takes to make it. But it seems that all i have is a half hearted desire. You i really wish that i could do all the tings that i've set out to do.

Like finding the love of my life ( yeah there... i've said it), so many times i feel that it this insecurity that is really holding me back. The need for meaning, maybe i have my castle in the sky, hoping my parents could be more concerned about me in the way i need to be concerned. More than breakfast, i need your constant encouragement. I just to know that there are still things worth fighting for in this world.

Dear God, pls give me the motivation to see me through the life i hope to walk.