I used to be a Better Man

I used to be a better man. A happier person. Where the big ideals didn't matter, all that matter was that there were friends in my life. All that matters was that i cared for others and others cared for me. Well time changes a person whether you've discover it or not. And no one really stagnants, we meet new people( not neccessarily the kind you want to meet but still NEW person with new faces and new perspectives to life), and your life changes.

Yesterday, i pulled myself out of bed for god knows wad reasons and went to school for ambassadors duties with "Uncle" Clement from BIT. He seems a nice guy and pretty friend and had a really realistic and positive outlook on life. That's how everyone should at life, never feeling tired and old before your time and hoping that there will be a coming of a second spring. After that i went to watched a movie, at PS where i bummed into YX and QQ at the arcade before the show. Without saying my goodbyes, i went to the holidays. It is a good show, more than simply being romantic and touching, it showed us that no matter what kind of predicament we are in, we deserve to seek and be happy.

After the movie, i went for a jog from home to labrador park. Well i started with this nagging pain on my right foot and god it was painful. But i still decided to jog since the weather was so serene after days of rain. Well there was not breakthrough running record, no personal best, but just a slight headache and a dejected heart, trying to figure why am i feel so the way i am; lacking the not only the drive but the will. I used to run like there no tmr. i used love the wind and sun and waves at the end of the journey but now it seems like just another resting spot.
Christmas is a season that we shouldn't be alone, I shouldn't have to go shopping alone, I shouldn't have watch a movie alone, and i for one shouldn't be the one who's alone all the time.

For the longest time since sec4 i had been alone, i always ran/jog alone because there was just no one in my neighbourhood i know, my downstair neighbour hates me for no apparent reason that i know of. Everytime i see him downstair, he gives me that stare and i can't help but return that stare to him, he calls me a bastard and other things and i've wondered time and time again that mayb i really am. For the longest time since secondary school, i watched movies alone because they gave a sense of peace, purpose and time for reflection, but now how i wish that i didn't had to watch movie alone anymore.

Oh i bought a new book to read, called blink and it talked how our brain subconsciously make decisions in the BLINK of an eye and these decisions made are actually accurate eventhough we were taught that we should never judge a book by its cover. And so it highlight to me how important the first impression is and how I sorry that for the few who have recently got to knew me, sorry but you really got to know me and u'll never will cos your brain may never gimme the second chance. But it so true that I've always gotten those gut feelings as to whether a person geniunely liked me. I could feel immediately repulsion from people and sometime i tink that it's just me but i now realised that it wasn't me but it was those people. I could feel it but i could not express it.

And all in all, thanks for reading yet another sad, depressing blog entry by greg. Merry Christmas and best wishes for the new year. If you really can, live like there's no tmr, else you're as good as me not really living life at all.

Saturday Morning Reveries

I gave Open House meeting a miss the moment i woke up at 10am.

it's becoming a ritual more often then not that each morning as i awake from my crappy sleep, i remember how weak and powerless i am to take control of my life; the times i turn the shower and it dawns on me that i have yet again forgot to switch on the heater. I reminded i'm still human.

And that very moment i actually feel cold. Drama as it sounds, it is true. It is in the wake of the morning that i actually feel rather than think, cos when i tink i can't feel. It has almost become sort of habitual and instinctive detachment, a defense mechanism put in place so that i believe a cold-hearted workaholic slave-driver that helps distract me from the more important things in life like love, friendship, self-development.

The past weeks has been like a typhoon with so many events and personal attacks aimed at the individual. All i can do is try to stand up to it or get blown away. People calling me self-centered because I trying to improve our piece of work. You call me self-centered for trying to help the group achieve a better grade? Oh come on... I sacrificed sleep, i sacrificed the time i can use doing leisure so that i can help me and me alone achieve a better grade? Ridiculous.

And this is why sometimes i really think that i should really giving advices altogether because i am unable to do anything to my own life with so few people willing to understand me and also no one seems to value my advice. How many times have they gone unheard i really wonder. How powerful and powerless our creator is for making us powerful to heal others but not ourselves.

Maybe that's the reasons why no man is made an island, we need support from one another. A symbolsis, a mutual beneficial relationship, a lifelong journey together and until we find our partner, growth & motivation will always be willed by the mind and not from the heart( what many of us call it passion.) We feeding ourselves a lie just so that we can move on with our lives.
And after this tiresome & lonely journey, it becomes that what we feeding the hearts is not what it needs and here comes what i coin as the emotional wear and tear which is resultant from my depressed and repressed weekends, wallowing and thinking about the happenings around me and lack of ability to make changes to it.

Oh how i wish, i thought more highly of myself. I behaved more like the person people perceived me to be. Only those who know me WELL(how many can claim that?), will know me a swaying ships. Argh.. This is getting depressing... until the next entry

Oh alrite. I watched Eragon it's alrite but you're better off rewatching narnia/ lotr. other than that... hmm... i went carolling yesterday at Mt A. It was quite fun. Got to sing and chat with Chris, Amanda, Gracie, Del, and Mel. So it was pretty good.. Gracie's driving rocks.