Thursday, August 27, 2009

My name is Zhou Mingjie Gregory. I borned on the 16th of March 1987 at around 0817hrs at NUH Hospital. It was an forecasted caesarian delivery. Nothing really went wrong except the fact that I decided that at that very young age of a minutes old to decide to stop breathing. How I know that I stop breathing for a moment? No .. it’s because I remember it. But rather, it was etched into my mum memories that I nearly died when I stopped breathing for a moment.
The doctors told her that I had short legs and that it would be great if I come to be of an average height. But after 22 year olds of hoping, praying and trying to grow taller. I’m barely 162cm tall on a good day. Honestly, how often I prayed to be a little taller. Everyone has a cross to carry, I guess this is mine.
Today, i was asked this question, Do you believe in Jesus? The answer is yes…. But probed further do you believe it in Jesus? I find it hard to justify. Day in Day out I ask God to make me a little taller. I’ll do my part to exercise each day. I’ll sprint & jump even if it’s a fool hope to make me a taller. I mean come on… you call girls who are short cute and petite. And guys like this kind of girls. But when a guy is cute and petite. So many times over he is passed over because he doesn’t fit your description of mr right. He doesn’t give me a sense of security and he’s someone who I cannot “literally” look up to. Each time I type a piece like this. I remember the people who ridiculed me and laughed at my shortcomings. But what can I do. I can only suck it up and at the most comment that life’s sucks.
My confirmation name is Raphael. I picked it at first because I want to be like an angel. But I didn’t want to choose Michael which was such a common name. It was only after I was confirmed that I realised that Raphael is not an easy name to live up to. Raphael means “God who Heals” but how can I beliieve in the healing power of god when I consistently feel hurt.
At the beginning of the school year, I went for a retreat. I prayed something that I have prayed for for many years. I prayed for the gift of love. I prayed that someday in the not so distant future, I could find my other hand. Someone who would realise that height is not the measure of a man and behind all the retarded remarks and “cheerful” façade is a person who yearns for love and faith. I really tried to be an open minded person and god told me to trust him.But how can I still trust him after so many years.
I hate drinking alcohol for this reason: that I do like get myself high enough and at the end of day. I feel these moments of clarity mixed with misery that reminds me that I not unhappy with the way things have unfolded in my life. I wished that I had more backbone to stand up for myself. But I simply can’t. I feel like I’m a worthless good for nothing. How can I match someone who is more eloquent, smarter and taller than me. I can’t even be her equal yet alone someone whom she can look up to.
It is an esteem issue. But I guess that despite my nonchalance to the subject. I’m ultimately still affected by the judgement casted.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Dear JC,
Pls give me the energy i need to see my days through!

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Random Musing

Well... I haven't been here for a while.
Hopefully no one ever come here anymore so that i can type and not one will read what i type. you'll be tinking why then i have blog. Might as well just write a journal. But the thing is: without the publish button. I would simply delete what i have written because i know that i would nv have the courage to voice my thoughts and opinions out loud anymore.

Well This week is the start of school and the start of many things. There's just so much to do and so many things that be changed. Over the holidays, i set out to change myself. and now i see that i'm somewhat different no simply the hair but also other things as well.

One, i beginning to voice out more. But i guess i'm still not speaking my true opinions. There's still many to offload before i can truly be an honest person. All i can be now is a person with glib tongue here and there. Well, there's still many ppl who treat me as a child. I guess i do still pass off that image but it's not because i want to stay young but simply because being old is just too tiring and there's too much resposnsibility to bear. If there was a way to maintain my youthfulness and face these challenge head on, den i'll just have to have a little more faith in GOD.

You know what does FIDES means. Apparently it means Faith/ Trust in Latin. During a retreat over the holidays, i took home with me two important lessons. First, was discernment and making the more loving decisions. Second, that first comes trust then comes love. The second is currently just a hypothesis. I really do hope that if i continue to believe in him, my answer will be answered.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Retreat

When Making Decision, Choose the more "Loving" one.

Is my will the will of God?