Getting Down and Dirty

Okies. today tried very hard to study but nothing seems to be going in. Guess i have been pretty slack and nothing and not in the rite mindset at the moment. So the only thing i can say to this someone who been irritating me, Please stop fueling me desire to be complacent and instead help me to focus. We're all here to do well rite, so the winning formula is me helping you and you helping me instead of me backstabbing and you backstabbing.

My theories of life

I know i should be studying and not be thinking of stupid things. But i've been rather down, alrite mayb not down just not happy i guess. I mean coming back home, just because i didn't eat dinner my mum gives me that kind of pissed off face. i mean be more understanding can it's not like i dun want to come home to eat one lar. It's just that things keeps cropping up. And in the morning, i'm always rushing, so go eat skool eat lar, got prob meh. need to get all fussed up just because i can't eat at home. I understand u're worried but u can't keep force me to do things. And after so many years, u still dun understand that what how i tink and feel.

friday, finally the IBSM project has come to an end and everyone is celebrating. (Kudos to all my group mates, things could have been better if we got certain things out of the way from the start but what's done is done, we did great.) But i suddenly find myself trying to find more things for myself to do( yeah there's projects and reports to do alreadi but still) Why is that so? Am i trying to overachieve? I guess i just can't the insatiable and unstoppable thoughts in my head. It like eating my world from the inside. What it does is to make me feel sad and tired. Tired because it never stops and sad because i am never able to come up with a good answer.

And there was i guess i found peace in, looking and just gazing at the sky. I discovered as i lied on top of the heap of newspaper and barang. feeling a like tired but more importantly, my mind had slowed down momentarily. mayb i should do some star gazing as well. And today, i was quite pissed with this fella lar. Saying things like eh greg dun stress me leh, wad business idea and grade and wadeva shit not, i mean come on leh i didn't ask u to eavesdrop and most of all i didn't ask for ur comment.

Last thought for today is something i finally came up with. Many of us seek to excel not mainly for the reason that we want to have a brighter future but more the reason that we seek attention. well at least that's for me. but somehow the attention that i seek is quite i want. I mean yes, i am noticed but not in the way i desired. "people are like greg is smart" and that's it, the end of story. And some1 was talking about this fella who's really smart but she totally outcasts him and i tink to myself: What if the smarter, more successful, u get, the less people are are willing to interact with you. (sure there will a lot of people who want to interact with you for the wrong reasons, but what about the right ones?). Logically more of both are suppose to want to interact with you. but... why isn't this so? hmm

And so should we stop seeking excellence, seeking success, desiring recognition, learning? i really dunno what we are supposed to do with our life anymore.

Now i'm reading this book called "Tuesday with Morrie" very simple to read and it's very good. Was at this shop just now and the two sales girl hmm how should i say this, ok only saving grace was that one of them was quite pretty but other than that i have to my impression of them is really bad. their service really stinked. talking and babbling amongst themselves very loudly, den talking bad about certain types of customers, and i was like err. Hello, u gals are quite rude u know. and half way through talk about how bout getting a chubby les or bf cos will be very nice to hug. Okies lar i know Sg is getting liberal but saying dis kind of stuff when u are on duty. and one more things, is sorry that hard to say, be polite abit can.

Oh wells, till the next time i'm in a bad mood. adios.

Live to Love

Well, i had been rather down over the past weeks, doing project, feeling slack about not doing my tutorials, feeling shitty as if I was the only one doing sai kang for the project, and feeling really demoralised over my WISP presentation, feeling misunderstood and not many people cared enough for me and load load more of negative feeling before i actually reach the conclusion that I was making myself unhappy for a very simple. I would have loved for everything to have gone according to my plans. I would have just stopped here in i had blogged about it earlier because i was just not able to express my thoughts, but now i have a feel at the very least.

"There's gotta be more to life than chasing round every temporary high" words from the Stacie Orico's song. Life isn't about chasing after temporary highs but instead there is only truth. Life is about loving. Wow~!~!~ Greg is Sho smart. but i guess it is this simple truth that is hard to grasp.

We go through life to find love, to feel love and to make (others feel) love. it sounds simple but it isn't because to love is have Heart, to have the willingness, courage and determination to pursue love. Love for your family, your friends, your partners, the world at large, the things you do. This is what we call passion or ( to suffer). In order for us to feel love, to find love and to make love, we need to have passion. We must be willing to suffer. To feel miserable. To feel the sadness. To feel the lonely. To feel the rejections and dejections.

And it is only when we feel the negative feelings that we are able to feel the positive ones- happiness, joy, approval, companionship, acceptance. This is balance of the ying-yang, the black & the white. Many people are afraid to the negatvie side of life and the feelings that comes with it. But now i realise that it is important to feel this. to feel the volatility and difference for it is only when to start to feel this things that are we able to find love. Maybe love has always been there but we have never been able to feel it simply cos we are numb, indifferent, sitting on the fence and refusing to be hurt. But because you refuse to be hurt, you will never know the love and healing.

Anyway this is all still very conceptive and bits of thoughts here and there. If you can understand good for you. You can't i'm sorry because even i haven't been able to piece this puzzle of my life together yet. I'm working on it.. are you?

Weddings

I was actually going tell people that the less i blog the less problems i seem to be having. Well i guess the theory is partly true but recently it has just been so mad with so many things going on and i still trying to do more stuff.

Okies today was supposed to have Amb Briefing but i didn't go cos i promised to sing for mass alreadi. Anyway, i sang for two wedding mass today and it was alrite i guess.

The song were all the same as the last times nothing new. But i guess the only novelty is that we're singing them for a different crowd as well as a diff couple and we get to see how "special" each wedding really is. How do those wedding planner take it. Having to continuously organize the same things over and over again.

Anyway, Father Arro was kinda complaining about the songs arrangement. Think even he want to hear something new. I began to have this notion and recollection of how i used to feel doing wedding masses and it was like. I think that in my future, i would want to get married in a crowded church, with the choir, a violinist & pianist. and get good lector who could pronounce their words and express properly( seriously when u hear Tobias being pronounced as To-Bit-Ars instead of Toh-Bias. it quitely a saddenly), mayb a wedding rehearsal to make sure everything run smoothly etc etc..... And suddenly something hit me, i haven found my other half..( it was quite funny and saddening at the same thing)... Oh well i guess i stop it here first.. gtg