Life and Dreams

Life and Dreams

Today was the last day of BAOC and well I kind of feel sad. Well it wasn’t so much that it was ending but more so that I seemed to be in the world of my own. It was just like Hopi during FOC, you can feel that something is lacking but you can’t do a thing about it. Anyway, it’s over and itll become a memory. All the bad ones will disappear and what’s left will be the highlights of the day. And well today, we watched the performances and the pageant, I guess I like the performers especially the dances, well most of them
They were really interesting and they weren’t very complicated. Next of there was the Pageant, I guess it alright for me only the guys weren’t that handsome and the girls were that pretty but I guess they are all yandao and chio bus in their own rights.

What was interesting at the Q&A, the questions asked really had depth and they were some of those question even I ask myself from time to time. Especially this question
Do you agree that 'Dreams are the Opposite of Reality'?

My answer to this would have been 'I disagree. Dreams are not opposite from reality, but instead Dreams are Realities that are waiting to be realized. And in order for them to be realized, one must have the heart, the soul, the support to stay the course, to overcome obstacles allowing us to reach our dreams, making them reality'

I’ve known the answer for a long time, after all this time, it has been nothing more than a perfect answer in my heart that cannot be actioned upon.

The other day I was grappling with words 'living', 'dreaming', 'life', 'dream'. What does it mean to be 'Living the Life', 'Dreaming the Dream', 'Dreaming the Life', or 'Living the Dream'.

Of the four, pick one and explain why you picked it. I picked Living the Dream over all the three because, Dreams will only remains as dreams unless you can realize them and why not 'living the life' because living the life to me feel like I am forced to live a life that may be a lie because that is not my desired life I want to lead. But living the dream gives me the certainty that I have dreamt, I know what I want to do and I living every minute in fulfillment of this dream.

I can’t really expressed myself anymore I’m really lost for words but my reflection from reading the book 'The alchemist' will kinda sum it up.

'Like the alchemists who are in search of the philosopher’s stone and the elixir, we have failed to realize that even these treasures are rewards in attainment of our destinies'

Hence

'Like the guys looking for success and love, we failed to realize when we complete what we are meant to do in our lives, we would have found success as well as love.'

My Dysfunctional Family

Well, i just got back, and i know i'm supposed to be missing my family and stuff like that but what can i say I feeling so angry and so depressed the moment i reached Singapore. It wasn't so much that i was going to part with the IBSM people(well partly)but the fact that when i arrived in Singapore, they weren't there to fetch me. I was looking forward to seeing them but then, they had to sms back and say they were going to leave the house at 830(we landed at 8. dunno what time i land oso can check internet, what the hell man). And i called back at say i'll come home myself and my dad actually can say wait a while, we leave at 830 will reach very fast one ( yeah like real) what sincerity is dere when obviously American Idol is more important than your son's home coming. And so, there i was looking around for my family to find no one. If not for the hugs for the gals, i'll probably brokened on the cab. When i reached home, the first words that came out of Regina's mouth was "Cannot Wait a while ar", you know i really want to slap you, "Whenever you go overseas and return almost everytime we'll be dere" but you can say this kind of things just because you are tired with work( i mean if you hate your work so much, you might as well just quit.) And you din't expect me to get you any gifts, so you mean if u dun say means i won't buy lar. Come on lar, i am not like this.

There was no hugs, no kisses, no i miss you or i love you or you're not going overseas anymore i miss you too much.

And what can my mum do, each and everytime which never fails get on my nerves even after umpteen times that i dun want. Ask me to drink soup. It's good for health i know, but you should know that if i seldom change my decisions. The words " I Love You" is more powerful than any sharks fins or doubleboiled soup don't you understand.

And this morning, when i was checking opening the cupboard, i noticed the door was unfixed. Come on man 11 days leh, is it that hard to screw the cupboard a few times. Clearly this is so insignificant. But this also shows how insignificant i am.

A family isn't supposed to be like this. I should have to present myself in a way like an outsider but i feel like i'm one, How many times have i actually confided in you people, Chances that they number less than 10 in the past 2 years.
why because you keep so much things from me, and you expect me to divulge my feeling to you? I dun think so, it's supposed to work both ways. I'm not matured enough to take the first step. The worst experience of all was the time i told my parents that everyone was calling me short, but they say too little, too superficial to have any impact on me. I may seem cute and AA to some but i guess you know the reason why, i lack the emotional support that a family is supposed to provide.

My feelings may be exaggerated, but they are real

It's Been So long

Alrite, I tink i've gotten over some of the things out of my mind but somehow i'm rapidly being localized again and i feel so shitty about myself again. Crap gotta stay happy(Happy Tots.. Happy Tots.) Anyways, I got spent the weekend clearing my room of millions of barang barang and i gotta say my dad spent too much money on books that i'll never touch. Thick Thick Fact Books and encyclopedias. I chucked all of them out despite displeasures from my sis but hey it really made me feel better knowing that my room is so much more empty. And i have to say you know wad's interesting is i haven really cleared my room in 7 years. Wow that's freaky.

And There i was going through all those stuff i found a lot of stuff with fond memories, photos, notes from friends, training camps handbooks and the letter i wrote to my parents for my graduation. I guess somehow that letter had no effect on my mother, she's kinda crude and insensitive( in some ways lar.. but hey no one's perfect) I have been hoping that she or my dad would actually one day say it to my face the words " Son i love You" and even in written form would be good. I've been waiting for close to 6 years now and it seems to be getting nowhere. It amazing how i was able to think like that at 16 but Thinking as it is, it was one of those letter that i wrote with all my heart.

So here it goes:


"Dear Mum, Dad,
I want to take this opportunity to say a few things to you.
First of all, thank you for giving me life, for bringing into this world. Many a times, i have always hoped to be taller and have always resented you for making me so short. But i want to tell you that i know that you love me( I hope you do) and I love you too. Thank You mommy for preparing breakfast for me, for looking after me all the days of my 16 yrs. Thanks also for nagging at me (eventhough you as well as i know that it doesn't really work). Thank you daddy for sending me to this wonderful school. Thank you for not getting angry at me when i am mad.

I know that i have never been a good son and i know that i might never be. But i can tell you that i have brought joy to your lives at a point in your lives and i am trying to change. I also know that i do not give you all the due respect you deserve. But let me quote Brother Michael, " You'll probably not know how precious something is until you lose it", so I'll probably not know how important you are to me until much later. Sorry for making your lives so inconvenient and making it so complicated.

Oh almost forgot about Regina, Thanks you for your advices. I'm sorry that i have called you names. It's just that sometimes you say such hurtful things

Mum and Dad, I'm growing up, I'm graduating from SJI. I don't know what i'll grow up to be or how successful i'll be. But i can tell you with certainty that i'll be your son, Gregory Raphael Zhou Mingjie, Borned on 16th Mar 1987.

Growing up is not easy. I think you know it and that is why you're always tolerant and concerned about me eventhough when i'm mad and cold to you. I just want you to know that you are very important people in my life.

Your Difficult Son,
With Love
Gregory