Be True to Yourself

After all the rabbling on and on about how screwed up my life is and the happenings in my life, i think it's time i change the way i present myself. I hope post more interesting and meaningful entry. though that means removing away all the thoughts and feelings about all the tiny details.
Guess it's a price to pay to being more focused on.

so here goes "Be True to Yourself"

I always thought that in life the most important were like having dreams, having aspirations and trying to get there. Well after much thoughts and watching movies one too many, the most important thing in life is actually being true to yourself.

Living a life a that is not yours and not the way you want it to be is a torture in itself. One day, when you'll wake up looking at yourself in the mirror and wander to yourself what the fuck am I doing. In order to get noticed by this girl or that guy, people change the appearances, the way they talk or present themselves. Sometimes, it may a good things because it was a match made in heaven but how many other times that we realize that it was a match made in hell. Sure it's true to that love at first holds true to many guys or girls but after you're hitched or married, do you think it's possible to live a lie, to act like a person you are not? And what happens, the couple decided that he wasn't the one for her, or she wasn't her prince charming and so they decide to call it quits "let's break up, let's divorce" words we heard many times over in this globalized world where divorces are no longer a taboo but socially accepted norms. So what happened to the "happily ever after"?

Well contrary to popular belief, there's no real "live happily ever after". The closest thing to happily ever after is "lived happily" or "living happily". Time isn't relative, every year, every month, evey day, every hour, every minutes, every second slowly ticks away; the future becomes the present and the present becomes the past. Your "live" has become "lived". It becomes nothing more than a moment in your memories that you were happy. So let's put away the notions, the once your happy, you'll forever be happy. Happiness come from the things you do and the thoughts you have, but most importantly, it's about staying true to yourself. If you do things that to you are unethical, immoral, it will come back to haunt you in the future. Ever heard of murderers who live in peace, ever done things that till this very day, you still can't forgive yourself for. Well, it simply goes to show that at one point in your past you didn't stay true to yourself. I know it because i have done them in the past, saying things that i shouldn't said, not saying things that i shouldn't, doing things that i should have and vice versa.

While we're at it, just because everyone is doing it doesn't means that you need to follow suit. Getting attached for the sake of getting attached, going to jc because everyone is doing the same it's true that if your calling is really that, then it's alright, you're staying true to yourself, but if you're not, you'll discover that you'll hate your life, and u'll regret it.

Talk about our hopes, dreams, mission in of life or whatever you call it. Many times, we hear of parents having dreams for their kids, to go harvard, to go RGS or RI or some brand name school, do things you don't like piano or ballet and they believe that it's for the good of their kids but in actual fact it doesn't make the kid happy, it just makes the parents themselves happy. It is true, society has also proven it, that following the dreams set out by others do not equates to happiness of being true to yourself. There are people out there that even after achieving the 5Cs remains unhappy and have you ever seen anyone who made it big or a name for themselves because they were forced to do it. Not most of this people make it big cos they were true to themselves, they were self motivated to achieve their dreams.

There are many more aspects and example i'll love to give but i gtg.

Do not compromise, Stay true yourself.

The Summary

I guess, my life really revolves around these things only, work, family, friends & love. So let mean just disclosed some more tots from this closet writer, this real persona that give the geniune answer from that is raw, uncensored, uneditted and real. It is this person that in truth should be living the life but is not cos of barriers that i have yet to conquer.

The barrier is Me.

Hours before the results were released, i was chatting happily away, i was happily playing my games. I lied that i wasn't anxious of my grades and that i had no expectations. I was trying to hide from the truth, the fact that i screwed up, that i was unable to reach the goals that i've set for myself; that perfect score that i've been yearning for since the beginning. I met with many setbacks along the way, i took a emotional beating, there was floods of negative emotions. But i hit the reset button and tried again. But in this cruel game of life, there ain't many second chances. I had failed myself. All because of the inability to let others know how really frustrated i was. It is reflected on the grades. I failed to live up to my expectations

My own expectations, such powerful words with such personal conviction. Where did my expectation come from? instead of saying it came directly from e. I'll like to say what greatly influenced these expectations were my experiences in life, my parents, my family and friends, the mass-media. I guess there's one person that i cannot blame and that's God. He's the only person who understood what i really hope for and the one who has constantly try to drop me signs but to blind eyes and deaf eyes. Yeah after saying all this, it's now fine to say that ultimately it was me to blame, to be so easily psychoed, so easily manipulated by unknown force of my surroundings. -sad laughter- talk about "taking everything with a pince of salt", Dad, guess i need to take urs with a pince too. and Thanks mum for caring about all the superficial stuff never noticing that you're working hard( U really dun have to work so hard) and not smart, the only way u know that leads to success in the past but not so much anymore. And also thanks for saying all those really harsh, unforgiving words and not understand how it's heartaching it is on the receiving end. I just glad i wasn't on the receiving end but rather a bystander to words like "hopeless" & "useless", "lousy".

Kiasu, Kiasi, i guess i guilty of these traits. The traits that be wiped out of our dictionaries cos it breeds more sadness than happiness in a world when we believe there is only one winner, where the strong survive and the weak eliminated. After receiving my 3.67GPA( it's actually quite good, but it's somehow way under my expectations. For reasons that if i was better leader (of my group and of my own life), i was sad and instead of celebrating with my success with friends with 4.0s,3.9s, 3.83s, 3.75s at the same levels, i was left behind, being only cheers and clap for them while i question the need to be influenced by societal norms and standards. i don't want to be left behind, i don't want to felt insignificant all the time, always being unable to shine, to be cast aside.

My nephew said this to me a few times already, it is one of my greatest insecurities( there probably no securities), i have and i was unable to give him a good answer. He asked " Why are u so small size?" It came across as why are u so puny, so insignificant, so unnoticeable? I really dunno what to say, was i supposed to response, "it's just the way i am born, what can do right?" with a sigh of resignation Or "why don't you go ask God or my parents" with an undertone of frustration. You think i don't want to be taller? That i like to be labelled "that short one", "petite one" all my life. Being treated like a small kid all my life, having to feel inferior to a taller, more bulked up looking hulk.

Well the family avenue has been really stretched cos my mum live in her typical auntie world worrying about the littlest of tings, my sis and dad tired from work, and pretty lost faith in open dialogues. Guess, i have to thank god for my good friends, my best of pals, my bros. You're the ones who do joke about my stature, listening my no link complains that come out of no where and of cos Kevin's latest "C+ lor? what u still doing eh? can go commit suicide rea" This kind of dark humour only u can come up on the spot.

According to some sites on the net, my negative traits include pessimistic, melancholy, secretive, private, shy, elusive. but it somehow says i'm a great kisser. But i've never been kissed, so how would i know. It bugs me how true this is(not the kissing part), but it bugs me even more that the solution i'm hoping for is a long shot.

A while back, a guy commented" I think you're gay."
And i asked him "why"
his reply: "Cos you're always with so many gals but u never seem to take any interest in them"
I didn't reply, i didn't know whether i should have said i believed that my first will be my last, or just tell him that i was too afraid to act. Mayb i really am too scared or mayb my approaches had been too subtle that it has gone unnoticed. I really dunno.

But one tings for sure, i'm straight, i'm waiting for my sparkling evening star / hopeful dawn/ angel/ light at the end of the tunnel to appear.

With so much said and so little done, i can only take comfort that the anguish and sorrow in my heart is diminishing eventhough i'm still living this lukewarm life, waiting for that something to happen. "we need to have strong faith and good deeds to go to heaven" someone told me

I tell u now, good deeds i have few, strong faith i have none, to the Good Samarian,
Do you some good deeds for me ?

The Singapore Dilemma

Well, it’s been a while since the school holidays began, actually it really long while… something like two weeks or so have passed and I have to say. I have done many things and yet nothing. If I were to summarize what I have been doing it really this

Watching Animes like Eureka Seven, Erementar Gerad, Saikano, School Rumble, RahXephon

Watching Movies: Devil Wears Prada, The Beat that my heart skipped, Singapore Dreaming, Snakes on the Plane
Going for IMF Training
Training for Dota Competition and then losing in the first round
Finished Reading my most recent book The Zahir by Paulo Coelho
Packing up my room
Trying to shop for essentials which ended up with many trips to shopping centre trying buy things and get my ear pierced but ended in vain. Only got one shirt after like 5 trips and haven got my ear pierced
Starting to exercising
Reading Time magazines
Went for SJI NCC Dinner
Lots of Daydreaming and feel unhappy
Going for Guitar Lessons
Catching up mr Brown shows


Well to a slacker, what I have done seems a lot but the truth, I haven really done much. There are still many things I would have wished I have done like

Finishing up my NYAA Journal, Getting a job, meeting new people

But most importantly, I wished that I would be able to address the most important question in my life.

What is my dream?
It has become very apparent that I don’t know what I’m doing when I simply sad half the time, like I see no meaning in playing Dota which I not very good but at least above average, studying is nothing more than a means to an end and to what end I’m question myself as well, me reading up on current affairs and books are nothing more than a search for an answer to this question, this meaning to life.

I guess I’m not alone as a lot of people also don’t know what they’re doing. After losing the Dota competition to quite interesting opponents, I wasn’t sad as I guess I was already prepared to lose. But my friend losing for his first time took it to heart quite hard and I would like to quote my other friends, “Can u feel the meaninglessness of the things we do”. I guess it’s really quite poignant that we are unhappy because we don’t really know what is waiting for us at the end of day. And this other guy countered back, “I think it’s time to get a girlfriend.” I would like to agree with him but I also know that not only is falling in love hard, being in a relationship also has it woes and of course, just because life is meaningless, getting a girlfriend will bring new to your life? I hope it would but I also know that it’s not true.

Whether there is meaning to our life or now is really up to us. People can give you advice and counsel and guide to leading an “ideal life”. But is this “Ideal life” what you have in mind. The Singapore Dream of having a condo, cash, car, career, credit card is nothing more than a superficial plan. Being able to fulfill this criteria doesn’t make one happy. Neither do awards if these things aren’t really what you want. Don’t get me wrong that these things don’t make you happy. But these things give u a temporary high, a temporal sense of achievement and pride but at the end of the day, we won’t remember these things, what we should be looking for is an everlasting happiness.

So as I take this moment, to uncover, to rediscover my first love, my passion, my dream, I ask all you reading this if there is to do the same. Tell me if you have found this meaning of life.