Sick

Alrite I’m sick. I really am although I think it’s one part physical, 2 parts mental (not that kind of mental) and 3 part emotional. it’s really draining me. You know the feeling like you’ve slept for the longest time and you would be feeling refreshed and rested but No~!~!~!. You’re feeling cold, feeling lethargic, unmotivated, misdirected and utterly confused and because you’re emotions have more impact than your mind. You really dunno what to do and you do things that comes to find and just do them irregardless of any order or any importance or simply any pattern.

Seriously saying many things I’m doing dun make any sense to me at all. Why am I applying for uni when I dun even know what course I really wanna take. Why am I learning driving when I know that I’ll probably not drive till I’m 30. Why why why? Why can’t I grow taller? why can’t wake up early each morning? Today, there were guests in my home, but I didn’t to head down to bbdc to try out the BTE yeah I failed by 1 miserable mark. Which on reading the book afterwards, I discovered the few million mistakes I made. But this raw emotion surfaced, it was disappointment, misery and the urge to succeed, the selfish human nature of trying to keep up with the joneses, trying to realized why things didn’t work out the way it should be. Am now thinking back I still feel sick. Sick in knowing that the only few emotions i feel is not gratitude, love, respect, admiration but sadness, dejection, misery, jealousy, deceit, selfishness.

There I have these noble dreams of being a better man to be someone who could change the world even by the littlest bit, but who would listen to my ideals and dreams when these dreams have no single tinge of realism in them. It really sucks when feelings can’t express what u wanna do and when u express these feelings in words, half the meaning is lost. When can feel your woes unless they are in your situation you’re in, who can feel the lonesomeness of being alone swimming in thoughts and not gaining any clarity for close to 20 years of your life. I am different from the average guys, I know I am and it doesn’t seem to be in a good way. What I value almost never make sense to the rest, the things I say sound alien and comical. And talking bout comical, how I hate it that I make jokes out of my own problems because sharing my problems never seem to have the same effects.

Oh gawd! Wad am I to do? Pls tell me.

Journeys

Well i was rummaging through my cupboard when i found this compilation called the MUSE: A collection of writings by SJI Boys. Well can't believe i actually still have somethings from 4 years ago. I found this speech especially heart-felt and want to share it with you. Here's an extract from it

Speechs - Journeys

All too often we forget that what is urgent is not necessarily important.

Journey are something close to everyone's heart. We often use a journey to symbolise our course through life. We imagine our goals to be destinations, difficult decision become cross-roads and a dead end is the result of poor judgement. and as with any journey, we are constantly looking for the one shortcut which will make our life easier. This is where we lose track of our morals, if we let our greed go too far. Some will resort to crime or relying on inheritance to get rich. The preferred method of today being let your parents do the crime and then inherit the money, but however attractive such a path of life may seem we must remember that the journey is more important than the destination. How we lead our life defines who we are, and there are no shortcuts to leading a good life.

Looking back now, i realise that for most of my life, i was guided in my choices, told which way to go and how far to run. Never having to worry about making a wrong turn. Childhood is free from pitfalls or dangers, as children we rest easy, oblivious to the cares and worries of our parents, who take great pains to shield us from the harshness of reality. It was only recently in life that i began to see the world through my own eyes for once, and what i saw terrified me. As slowly as i began to make decisions for myself, i realised that the responsibility involved was immense. I ponder how each step and every turn we make can change the course of our lives forever, where i was going and how i was going to get there became a very important question to me, watching some of my friends go astray I saw how many things can lead us down the wrong path in life. I suddenly understood the restrictions that had annoyed me before were only serving to protect me.How ironic that in the instant I am given more freedom, i long for the guiding hand of my parents once again. But the journey is mine, and mine alone.

The fear of change is powerful indeed. How many times have we decided not to try something new, only because we dare not take the first step. We must hold onto every dream and hope we ever have, because what if, the one you let go could have made you feel complete. As i grew to love and conquered my challenges, i realised that we need not fear change if we have faith or a belief in the benevolence of the universe to guide us. I learnt that sometimes as we reach the end of one road, we need simply step onto another to continue our journey.

Faith and determination will carry us far in our journeys and we must never be afraid to explore new areas of life. As in the words of the great poet T S Elliot, " We shall not cease from exploration and the end of our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time." I believe that all journey start from within and the destination is to discover who we are. For is not life the journey to finding ourselves?

Tan Ming Quan

There you have it. Tots of a man before his time. Truly a Class of it own

Gotta Stay off the Alcohol. Seriously, they always leave me feeling listless when i wake up in the morning. Well i saturday morning was wasted on MCOM, well for the first time i admit defeat. I really tried, i wrote to the very last min, until the guy came and collect my paper. and i barely finished. The 17 marks and 20 marks questions barely stretched extended to a page. come to tink of it, It was barely 3/4 of a page. So yeah I went home after that feeling sad for myself after all the adrenline rush had stopped. Went out to watch a movie with kevin. The Portege, it's a damn good show. Seriously, why do people take drugs? to get high? or to fill the void in their lives. Mayb sometimes we just need that special someone.

After that, i went for mass at good shephard, take stroll there while listening to corrine may. I dunno whether this music is supposed to be soothing, comforting or depressing now cos i really can't tell the diff, it's just so emotive. May the they're right, it better to feel something than to feel nothing at all. Then after that, meet Kevin and JJ for Dinner and then we headed over to Irish Pub for a drink. And for the first time in a long time, one drink was all it too to make me feel lighthearted and high. All the worries just floated away, even when faced with some difficulty, everythings seems so doable and accomplished. I had a good sleep that night.

I woke up with this funny tot? What is the arts and science? Can anything in this world be clearly differentiated as an art or science. Is Teaching an Art or an Science? What about falling in love? How can u measure love, but how fast the heart was beating, by how much prespiration the couple was excreting? if that's the case then wad do they call it the art of seduction? So how are really related? They probably the different faces of the same coin only difference is some believe wholeheartedly in only one side, some try to strike the balance. What am me den? do i believe in Science or Art?

My Answer: Well Science can only go so far, and for everything after that, there is God. God is the creation of all that is beautiful, that is Art, and i simply his pencil who express his word.

-Mother Teresa of Calcutta-
The Pencil of God

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	5.4
Mind:	5.4
Body:	7.8
Spirit:	7.5
Friends/Family:	2.7
Love:	0.8
Finance:	5.2
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

Studies Doesn't Work

Well,

I've been in school for the past two hours, and i tot that i would be making some tremendous progress with my studies today. Finishing my EM so that i can go back study and my MCOM again. Seriously MCOM's quite hard to score. wad a irritating paper. And since nothing is going into my headache,i figure that i should just relax a while first and try and refocus.

And that's wad i'm doing now. Hopefully after this entry, my inspiration, my motivation will return. Like wad i tot my friend last nite, nothing beats "feeling loved and motivated", it beats drugs and alcohol anytime. No that i know the actual effects of drugs. So anyway, i haven gotten that great inspiration to just sit down and finish mugging my notes and try and learn to apply all those things learnt the test papers.

WELL this would be apparently be my lucky entry. my 288th entry. So i decided to read my first few entries to see how my blogging style has changed and true enuff, it's changed drastically from posting all my points of views to become more secretive and selective on the issues that i'm willing to discuss. Guess i realised how so many friends of mine simply read the blog but dun bother to tag. In other words, my tagboard is probably there for fun. :)

Now i'll just be rambling on and on.. So pls ignore and dun call me foolish

Man how i wished i had more balls time and time again. To stop being so diplomatic and face my foes and problem head on. Do problem really disapate on its own? no i really dun think so.

What's unexpressed love? It's foolish love. Not giving yourself a chance and not giving the others a chance as well to find out who you really are. No cause, No effect. No chance for the person to accept your love or to reject you. No chance of getting hurt. So is that it? To suffer in silence den to suffer the shame of rejection and live in the hopeful dream that the two of you could have had a chance.

What's so good bout being nice? Does nice really get you anywhere? Oh Greg's such a nice guy -> pushover. So here's to all you nice guys, stop trying to please everyone. Marketing Concept: Trying to please everyone is the same as pleasing no one. Not even yourself, I've been dere and done that. You really dun feel that much better.

Question:"How are you feeling?" Reply: I'm F.I.N.E. Quote from The Italian Job. FINE = Freaked Out, INSECURE, NEUROTIC, EMOTIONAL. What a description. Mayb i really go on saying i'm fine.

Shades of Grey, Red, Pink, Blue. You know people say life is not as simple as black and white. there's always those grey areas. But how i wish that i was just a simpleton because that way, that way you can be Caring and Asshole at the same time without being a caring asshole. You dun have to consider the areas in the middle

Did a quiz last nite: it wrote number of true love i'll have : 5. Numbers that break your heart: 1
You mean they're all my true love. If the first one was true love den where the other 4 come from. senseless rubbish that people choose to do to let model and systems dictate your future.

Last of all, i was reading a lot of people blog's yesterday and i realised one thing, seriously, it's people who create the systems and models and it also the people who can make changes to it. But no one like to improve on them, we like working models that work. We like our boundaries set but is there really this thing called a limit? Scientificially Yes. Really No.

What's with my affinities and fondness for A.s and C.s in all aspects of Life ?

Measure of the Man

Well, i had been too busy over the past weeks and now that it's all over, i feel like i need to say something before i move on. Back to my prep for the EXAMS ( yeah if Mr Yow, Ms. Tan or Mr Wong is reading this, Pls Pls Pls Gimme the A/ Ad) I've really worked or rather tried very hard and i know some work is has not been up to ur expectation for the A grade but i have to say i've really tried to.

For the past weeks, I've drowned myself in work, tons of work, so that i needn't be bothered with the others things in life like relationship issues(finding a girlfriend, being on better terms with my family members, being on better terms with my neighbour and friends) and it worked for a while. At my friend's bday party, everything was lighthearted and fun and when it seemed like there were moments people were unconsciously with each other. It was great. But when the party ended so did the tots. There was just so much left unheard and unable to be deciphered by the untrained. And did i mention how i dread weekends without works because it meant that i had to face myself and answer to all those things that i should be doing but ain doing.

Cos with work, you didn't have to face your own problems, you could deal with problem with models and techniques that were taught in books and weren't that complicated to decipher. And when all else fails you can throw tantrum at your groups mates. There's no dull moment in time whereby the words "FACE YOUR FEARS/ PROBLEMS?" would surface in your mind. And so with all the projects having ended, there's no report, no powerpoint slides, no gant chart to hide behind. It all struck home on Saturday when i decided to simply waste my day away and to then waste a ton of money while at Thai Express and then going out for a drink when i usually dun drink. I listened about my friends problems and friends projects and everyone seemed to have someting to say but we made comments sometimes passing ones to struggle for the tiny wee bits of attention we could get from each other so that people can emote with us. What a bunch emo guys with too much tots bottled up we are. Well there's actually nothing wrong, I planned to get wasted that day but i was barely tipsy. Oh well that's beside the point.

But over the weekend, God sent me a message. It couldn't have been more clear since it repeated time and time again over the weekend. First i watched Bobby on Friday, it told me about how people everywhere tried to live out their life to fullest. Many making bad calls and foolish mistakes but still they went on with it. Then the next day, at mass, there was something similar but it was that although we doubt ourselves, there are others who believes in us and so we should live life that was meant for us. Then in the evening, i was informed of my friend's father's death. It was so unexpected, so sudden. Wad a painful way to be reminded that life is too short for us to doubt, to be uncertain, to be lukewarm. To send the message home must have been the movie, Happy Birthday. Whereby the lead actor waited all his life for lead actoress to stop doubting herself and say to Him "I love you, and I want to be with You forever" And till his dying days, he waited to hear it from her but she never realised it (his waiting for her to express her love & his passing & his undying love).

This message have left me to regret many times over the things that i have yet to accomplished because i lack the courage. that's y i deprecate myself so much. And that's y i also forgive people who waste their life away, not willing to try to put in even that inch of effort to move out of your own comfort zone to fulfill your dreams. What must be done to make you realise how insignificant we are in the eyes of universe and how our existence would not have mattered if we don't try.

I have answered part of my question to what is the measure of the man. One measure is the legacy he leaves behind. I may not have known my friend's dad but i too mourned his death and celebrate his existence for knowing that he devoted himself to loving one woman, and to bring 3 sons into existence and having nurtured them to be filials sons, men of integrity, good character, faith and heart and fathers of tomorrow. I may sound over the top but i for one believe that this is true.

So to Richard's, Edwin's and Lionel's Father... God bless... Rest in Peace.

Just a few Words

In Summary, Too Much has happened, So many emotions felt but in the end nothing really change.

And Somehow the world simply doesn't makes sense again.