Long Overdue

It’s been almost a week since the exams ended and here I find myself trying this long overdue entry about not only my life but also my thoughts. So where to start? Hmm okies let’s start with the exam period.

This semester hadn’t been a very eventful one I guess. I found myself gumbling at not very big deals just simply becos there was nothing much to grumble about. I made all the insignificant things sound so important in hopes that someone will actually notice. And yeah I initially planned to go jogging at least thrice a week but I found myself only being able to do so once only. Studying wise, I guess was what you would call lukewarm a word I’m becoming very familiar with because that is what I feel I am, lukewarm. I make these plans and goals to achieve but somehow when I get started on them, I simply given up before I even try. Just like this entry, I had planned it rite after the exam but somehow it has taken so long. Well back to the exams, lots of surprises appeared, things that you never thought would come out came out, Things you mugged your ass off believing that it would appear never did. Rather lame if u asked me. Well I just I do well enuff for me not to feel fucked up on results day. Results are actually not very important when I think about life, it’s always just doing good enough and that’ll be great but somehow there’s are other factors that make me want to do well, call it peer pressure, self-induced pressure, sense of responsibility, hope of being noticed, yeah the hope of being noticed.

I really want to be noticed and that’s why I do things that people think it’s alittle extreme. It’s quite sad really, some one came to my house that day, and as he chatted with my mum, she just kept going on and on about wow how impressed she was with him. And I have to say I was kinda jealous of the positive attention for she went on and on throughout the night. I can’t believe it, do I fare so badly when you compare. You know sometimes I feel my mum should really just read one entry, just one entry of mine. But she’s stuck in that world of her that has literally shrunk to a point that it cannot shrink anymore. And that’s the other reason I hate being at home, it’s so stifling, yes I know I’ve given a lot of freedom to do whatever I like to the extent that they feel that I treat this home like a hotel.

Anyway, after the exams, it should have been this feeling of ecstasy and relief but that day, I found myself almost invisible. I mean literally, i walk past people I wave but there was no response from them almost as if I was invisible. It happened not once, not twice, but 5 times and that was when I accepted that today was meant for me to be transparent. Whatever joy I initially want to shared had became nothing more den emptiness in my heart. I guess this is what life is like living in my small little world. And so I drowned myself that day in a movie and in the book call the Zahir and also what I would mandatory and forced gaming with my friends. Seriously speaking, after all the times u see me online playing games, haven u noticed that I stopped playing those games that needed a lot of brain cells. It’s not because I dun like them, but I feel troubled about my problems and my inability to share my problems that i have in game that dun need brain cells, just lots of movements and patterns. Dota using a new character gives me a headache. Dota using character with many ways to plays and flexibility gives me a headache.

Well, after reading the Zahir, I has many thoughts, some that made me questions my past decisions and some that gave me hope and bliss knowing that there is light or in this case love at the end. There was something about the trains tracks being of a certain length because of the decisions made a few century again. It was trying to highlight that we were subconsciously conforming to norms that has been dere for eons.

And of cos, Friday had a meeting, den fixed my new com, yeah spanking
www.hp.com.sg/store/tertiary if you want to check it out. Den I transferred lots of tings to watch. Watched eureka seven, one piece, rah xephon, fmp, loads more. I guess they help to preoccupied my mind cos I simply can’t solve my problems at the moment. I have lots of things I had planned to do. But I have to say, a lot of em are simply not moving at all. I pray for a miracle to happen. To rekindle this lukewarm people’s spirit. Well that’s felt good being able to express my tots.

There was this gals I was chatting with the other day who say I was old and I tot to myself, subtleties and self induced misery has actually cause this imperfect and incomplete aging or would you like to call it in its more dignified term ‘mature.’

Oh btw, Sat/Sun we celebrated Ant’s Bday, Happy BDay Anthony Koo Zhi Wei!! You Know you’re a friend and buddy for life. May your wishes come true.

When Do You Feel Alive?

Well. SIS is finally over guess have to be contented with the B+ unless mr Tan decides to give me a 10 for participation i dun see how i'll pull the miracle ( mind you A not Ad). Anyways, on friday after the exams, i went to macs with SD, Benny and Clement for Lunch and den back to skool to study. Didn't Intend to but Clement Dragged me back and in the end, i had to sort teach him how to do. But i guess it was quite well spent the time considering that i feel unalive when i'm not doing anything. When i reached home, i did something that i didn't think i'll be doing and that was defending my nephew for the senseless rebuttal from my mom saying that he's lazy and things liddat. If she just stopped being so critical and try to help him and teach him more i guess he'll make better progress. Anyway, the assessment book his mom is making him do is ridiculous and filled with so many errors, if i was the one doing it, i would have felt really troubled.

So Instead of catching up on much needed sleep cos my mind was kinda wide awake the entire nite, i went out for a movie alone. The theatre was really empty like only 6 ppl. This is a rather unknown local production called "High Cost of Living". It quite good considering that it was an old film, a singaporean production and a rather refreshing plot. U guys should catch. Alritez, i spent rest of the nite, out with the guys playing lan. I have kinda lost the taste for LAN, but when the company you keep onli plays LAN what are we to do. I read somewhere and i guess it rather true that people nowadays are communicating less and when they communicate now, there are chances that it is not geniune and people are just putting up a facade. What is the world coming to.

Sat, went to Funan to purchase my laptop. Got to chat with my dad a little, wasn't too bad, but he ain't much of a talker, makes the conversation feels one-sided and he also seem so judgemental, well what he said wasn't entirely wrong but i guess it could have been phrased in a better. Den after that, i went home to sleep. i initially want to go to Holy Family/ some far church for mass. But when i got up. it was like 545pm and i had this tot going through my head. " why do you want to go to church?, for a peace of mind, for a facade that no one notices, to fulfill ur weekly obligations?, well after much thots' i ended not going anywhere but glued to the computer table playing games. And i happier doing that, guess not. But would i be happier if i went to church. Guess not either? There's gotta be something better to do, i need some spice in my life.

At round 9, i decided to watch a movie, Tokyo Drift. The plot was alrite but i guess the action ain too bad. I guess it was what i needed to make me feel somewhat alive on an unproductive day. Well it so happened the movie ended late but i decided to take a walk home instead. and as i was walking, i was recollecting my previous thoughts and i was looking street lamps. this analogy about life came to my head.

Life is like walking along a side walk, filled with many streets lamps and lights. As we walk along the sidewalk, we notice the immediate lamp ahead of us. being dazzled by the glow, glimmer and slight sparkle and we set it as a goal to reach dere. but when we reach there, we discover that there's actually another lamp down the road and another and another. sometimes, we'll notice it but other time, we just walk under it without realizing we have passed under one. and lastly, ever notice that there's an ending to the perpetual and endless rows of street lamps ahead?. I guess not.

So what am i trying to get at. Well the street lamps are actually like our goals and phases in life, sometimes we notice it about we keep that in mind while we journey through life. But sometimes, we can't be bother and we don't even notice that a phase in our life has ended and there's no turning back. in other times, we may also get so obsessed by this particular light that we do not discover that we have already pass it 4 lamps post ago, we live instead in our past glories, memories, triumphs and failures instead of living in the present. Lastly, is that reaching this particular lamp is not the end of the journey, but the beginning of another phase along this unending journey through life.

So i only have one morale i want to share: that is to live in the present and live everyday without regret

The Good New Days

This week surprising has been a good week, eventhough studying i have to say it's kinda getting nowhere. I have gone through SIS but nothing sticks in my brains and i've kinda finish SOM yet again with nothing in my brain. and i've started on CRM and dunno lar, Seems too lame to mug but too stupid to lost marks for not remember. Guess i'll have to prepare notes and last mins mug as much as possible(amap) as usual.

Oh wells, this entry isn't supposed to be on studying but in retrospect, the saturday i spent NOT studying but out with my pals. I guess this week was slightly different from other weeks and i guess it the difference that makes meeting up more interesting. We went down to queensway, i saw some stuff but none that really catches my eyes but the rest bought some things like shoes and apparels. we talked bout lots of crap along the way. before we headed to town for church. Ended up in Sts Peter and Paul cos Ant needed get a crucifix and wanted to go for mass. I have to say, i was looking forward to father thomas lin's homily but it kinda blew cos he kept repeating points that didn't seem to strike a chord with me at all. I mean i understand what's he saying but i just dun understand the significance of staying disciplined and staying the course until it struck me that this was a power from god. Determination, passion, drive. Things are getting slightly better at home, we're talking more but i guess, i still need to hold my tongue or else i'm literally be lashing out at my mum. She's just blunt and narrow-tracked sometimes.

Ah okies, i had a good time out on sat. Thanks God for giving me the company to share my tots and have fun with before getting down to business again. Alrite, i gotta study again. I just discovered that if everything went well, i might actually still be able to up my grades surprisingly. I gonna give it my best shot.

Tots

I guess a lot more times i would have scribbled something about how my life sux and how i can't screw up in this or that yada yada. but i decided not to because i guess it doesn't really matter because no one out really want to read ur boring rambling on and on about how miserable ur life is.

Well it was August the 8th and i found myself studying in the skool library alone before the National Day musical and i think to myself, now this image is quite familiar dun u think, how many times have u actually been in that particular area of the library studying alone, feeling crappy and that nothing is going in and that maybe if the chinese gals beside me would just shuddup and study. But at the end of it, you know u're one the controlling the situation but somehow it's not going as planned. Oh well, after that i went for the musical, it was surprisely lighthearted and not too boring. Actually reminded me secondary skool where we got to see performance and we'll get all hyped up about them.

Yeah afterwards, i headed down to SJI for Annual Parade. it was good and bad i guess. Good cos i got to catch with the peeps. all the air guys, but alot of them didn't turn up probably due to NS and other stuff. But well i guess, we're there just to catch up cos the parade kinda blows eventhough we were best air. i mean come on, best air unit with the most number of people falling out and a record 3 ppl for the Guard of Honours. We seriously dun deserve the Best Air den. Alrite with the complaining, after taking a stroll around the skool i have to say i really miss SJI. It's a place when i actually feel that people really cared, people recognized ur presence, they say hi and ask how you are and even sometime well actually most of the time makes me laugh at their hilarious antics. I got to hear about alot of my friends successes in getting into medicine, getting scholarships and going overseas. I so happy for them and I hope that i can mimic their success too. And this is also one of the place where you feel that being good at the tings you do makes people happy for you and not give the feeling of backstabbing. There was friendly competition and brotherhood.

after that i had dinner alone cos anthony was sho slow. but oh well, what's news. later on we play lan and supper. and something strucked me. it was the word "outcast". someone labelled me as an outcast and i began to think, mayb i really am a outcast trying too hard to be accepted. I'm think i'm AA but mayb it's just that not seem to bother about me. and it always goes back to the question "why dun anyone seem to notice me etc etc" and i felt terrible from the after thoughts and gave up.

What else could go wrong

Well, if the past few weeks had been bad, i guess this week has just beaten the record of being low.

First, my grades sux, IBS no matter how hard i tried to salvage i got a B+ and i was like damn i din get the A. You should seen me cursing and swearing at the teacher from outside the room cos i really was very disappointed. simply because i had just failed my attempt for the 5th time at the perfect 4.0 . You readers must think i'm crazy. what's the point of chasing after a 4.0. well simply cos it the only and i do mean only thing keeping me from a total depression. so after ibs, i was simply psychoing myself saying that probably that's the best she cos give me considering the previous grade i got and that she combined the grading together(wishful thinking).

And of cos there's also SIS to screw me up with the teacher cutting me off half way and den commenting that my improvement is not really relevant etc etc. so there goes probably my hopes of an A again. And who could have forgotten the seriously screwed up WISP. Oh the agony. You just know i have 3 Bs. Haiz. not only is it gonna affected my grades. It's probably gonna be detrimental.

Life on the other fronts also sucked. instead of getting closer to God, i feel distanted from him. Seak has recently been going to church with me and he feels good each time he steps out. as for me, the onli feeling i have is a temporary feeling of peace, solitude which gradually get converted to sadness and self-induced misery.

It's august already and i have yet to get down to writing the NYAA booklet for submission. I mean i'm not aiming to get it dis year alreadi, just hoping to finish it and submit ASAP. Den on the people contact scene, i seem to have lied during my ambassadors interview saying that i'm sociable and love being around people when now i simply hoping that someone will walk up to me and say hi each day, ask me some silly questions and i feel good.

and of cos who can forget my eventful, laptop crashing, me going down to toshiba by myself, getting lost in the industrial park, being informed about it cost almost a new laptop to repair, and before i can get a new notebook, my portable hard disk crashes on me as well and there goes all the info, the fucker telling me a replacement will come onli in 2 weeks and my phone spoiling send it for repair at samsung and that's not all home doesn't feel home at home. My mom is like always asking me to read newspaper, experience the world and whatever not but she herself is ignorant and asks me the dumbest questions possibly.

Imagined not being understood, being forced upon to eat and whatever when i asked not to already, and when i say something, she gives me the har? cannot hear.. i dunno lar, there's not communication at home at all. and so my form of escapism going jogging, going out with kevin and co. despite the fact that i tink i have a weak ankle that is making jogging rather hard.


and who can forget the stigma from young, of always being called short fart, and mom and dad just dun seem to care. and no matter what i seem to do exercise and stuff, i'm not getting close to even 165. i guess i'm destined to be short. to be amongst people who are 170 and beyond. and have tall girls think of me as kiddy and cute.

so i went jogging, to labrador and on the way today, i shouted my heart out, it was so loud that you could practically hear the echo coming back. and den instead of doing all the running, i did the funny stations until i felt giddy and den i jogged all the way out again to grab a drink and chocolate, the bitter ones and not only do they not taste bitter. they were almost tasteless.

if god is playing with me, he's sure dealing me a nasty hand, i really hope that thing will get better. I really hope that there's someone out there who can share all my burden and my woes with. I really hope that all the i've been doing is leading me to a brighter future.

please don't extinguish that glimmer of hope, the beacon of light.. i am getting consumed by the darkness