My Dreams

I think that i've been a very locked up person all this while, everything thinks that i'm the very lame and very crappy but somehow rather cheerful that i am. Every smiling, every laughing.... But in actual facade this all seems nothing more than a facade... i laugh because of my inability to response in actually tell u how i feel. It's kinda like how u sometimes laugh where are at ur wits, nervous or even in the face of danger. I think that not many will thank that behind that noisy laughter is a person seeking attention, seeking recognition and ultimately trying to deal with his inabilities. Inabilities to express himself, inability to face challenges, inability to perserver and fight on.

Everytime u take a beating, physical or a emotional one, you become stronger. And with each passing experience you change. Sometimes, it's for the better but sometimes it's for the worst. You know when you are at the lowest point in your life, you always hope for that light, the outreach hand. Yeah, we all wish to be given that second chance to succeed, to make a name for yourself. This weekend, besides sleeping & sleeping, i've been doing some soulsearching and reflecting, in this modern society, i tink it's getting harder to actually find someone who cares about ur feelings. You can't blame them, they hardly know you and for those who know you? do you think they have the time? So i guess it up to u you make a difference. I watched three movies this weekend, i watch the Ice Princess, SeaBiscuit & Cinderella Man. All these movies are excellent.

From the movies, i rediscovered this one universal truth, to follow your dreams. No one can tell you what you should be fighting for. Only you can, so what if your mom wants u to be doctor? do you really want to be one? I dun really know wad i should be, that's y i followed it?? oh come on, think for urself man, is that how u wish to live your life? i dun tink so.

In Seabiscuit & in Cinderella man, i learn the other truth about life that will lead u to ur dreams. That is to persever and nv give up, always know where you headed. You know it sound so easy but in actual fact it not true. Many times, we go astray and become lost and don't know how to get back until some kind soul gives u a hand. In seabiscuit, the horse "seabiscuit" as well his jockey "red" was given a second chance to fight for what they believed in, that I may not be born perfect and nurtured perfectly but we will fight on no matter. Not many of us are given opportunities to shine, so we must cherish it and thanks everyone who saw something in us.

So far in my life, the onli thing that i can say that i can be proud of was that i became the CSM. And i'll like to thank SJI for giving me the opportunity to shine and Mr JT for seeing something in me. I'll like to thank GQ, Joel & Mark for imparting the invaluable life skills of doing things for a reason, to trudge on no matter what and to think for yourself. All in all it has been a bumpy and tiring ride. But it's been a unforgettable one.

After babbling on for so long, what am i trying to get at, okies for the first times, i'm gonna briefly tell you what my aspiration are. it's probably gonna be the first and last time that you'll see it and may on last a few days, given the person i am. But for those who actually see it, pls keep it to urselves and if help me along if i stray from this goals.

I dream of seeing the world, to start a family and a wonderful career. Well isn't that everyone's dream. Yeah it's quite true but i guess it's the way we try to get there that differs. In order to start a family, u got to find the right person and also be able to provide for her.(this is my mentality, it's a little traditional and a little chavuanistic to some but whatever, as long as i believe in it). Therefore, I dream of going to college to get a degree and mayb even a postgrad so that i'll be able to find a good job and of cos find my calling in life. I wish to become an Officer, though i tink i dun have what it takes, i lack very much the foresight and very much the leadership but i really had hope to sharpen them in poly but guess it was a gamble afterall( it's up to me believe in myself now), in order to get to Uni and OCS, i guess it entailed the basis of this meritocracy where the one who's smarter and better are selected. therefore, i hope to do well in Poly probably get a CM & cert for cca( highly unlikely so dun think i'll bother anymore).

U know.... i tink i'm boring you guys who actually read this entry but i'll just like to say if it has taken me a lot of courage to tell u all this, because i just think that u guys will just tink my life i'm just immature thinking that life will go so smoothly. Well i'll have to tell ya this, life just happens to be moving in the opposite direction and wad's worst i dun even know if the tings i do are worth it? I'll just hope that u'll support me quietly in this struggle to pursue my dreams.

Greg

Compass

Just finished my first week of attachment, feeling really tired after rushing down for Ambassador camp but in the end i guess i wasn't really able to get to know a lot of the juniors. I dunno how come when we get a chance to lie down and rest, we decide to try and find more things for ourselves to do just to keep your mind from thinking about certain things, i guess this is just me.

On the way home from camp, i was really tired and really frustrated, and on the verge on yet another emotional outbreak. i really felt drained and wasted. I look at my life in poly and think to myself, what have i made of myself? it seemed almost like nothing, my grades are fair but not exceptional, my friends in school are a selected few and i dun where i'm really headed anymore.

Looking at my plans and dreams, it seemed like all just a flurry of trying to gain recognition, to gain respect, to accumulate wealth & experience, but i guess i'm not matured enough to actually steer the course and stay through to this plan. I just watch Seabiscuit and i feel so like crying, it has shown me the undying resilience of the heart, to stay true to it, to nv give up no matter want and to find yourself.

But when i look at my life, i wonder once again, how am i to stay true to myself? to say exactly what i feel and stop thinking about other feelings?( is that me?), to nv give up on wad?( my dreams of being a somebody?) and to find myself( but who am i?)...

i guess when i figured out, you guys will figure out too. i'll just hope that some1 can help me find this path. Right now all i see the mist and a lot of road. But which way lead me there? Can some1 pls give directions, if not at least give me a compass

Everything in It's Time

Finally... The semester has ended. After 15 weeks in school, it climaxed on the Friday when i wrote the last words in my OM paper and just like that, my third semester in Poly has ended. At the end of this semester, i take measure of what has happened.

Firstly there was ServeSabah2005, initially when i started out on for the trip, i was like fuck why did i sign up for this trip but slowly, my campanions and the Sabah grew on me. I began to appreciate the simplicity of life over at Sabah. Sure, they were not so well off. But what they lacked in the good & services, they compensated with a open hearts. Come to think of it now, i haven finish writing the Sabah journal and help to edit the sabah journal. i guess i'll have to do it soon. After spending 17 days dere,i guess it was time to part for home. Sure the experience was time wasting but it was worth it. hmm Mayb, i should sign up again in year 3... hehe... see lar... Dunno got time and money anot.

Then, there was BAOC, met a lot of people the seniors, ppl i never knew eventhough they were in my LT, and of cos the stars of the show the freshies. When i returned, i felt the need to make every moment a meaningful not just for the people but more for myself. So i really tried to give it all i have. But i guess, i have never really able to give anything my all. Ever since SJI, oh well. I'm so happy i got to know more people, Celine, Li Yu, Ben, Clemence, Henry, Belinda, my TA23 and many more peeps.

And soon the school term began. Sadly to say, we have to part ways with some of our classmates: Denise, Benny, Aishah & Diana, but we see them from time to time. Lol esp. Diana. But it wasn't all a lost, we were joined by 5 news gals, Shuting, Jasmine, Becky, Faizah & Felicia. They became a well needed balance to our noisy class.

This semester, we took IEF, AAA, OM, PMKT,EC. I envisioned that i would get 5As or more. But with each passing day, assignment and test, I gradually lost sight of this vision and caught sight of reality. Everything seemed like such a blur and like utter chaos, trying to find you footing on a rocking ship. Common Test felt ridiculous for we had to tackle 5 papers in a span of one week and i have to say i didn't make it out unharm. I got my first C+ grading for a core module, OM. It's quite a demoraliser but i guess we really a thing about it other than just try harder next time. I guess we just have to see how i fared when the results come out and i've just have to be contented with what i get.

Academic matters aside, i did quite a lot of stuff this sem. Things that i never really tot that i would do. Like dying my hair, drinking alcohol etc etc... I guess it's all part of growing up. I've more to add but i'll just have to stop here for now. Gotta go liao

IEF

haiz screwed up, ar leave one part -4, q3 dunno how well i'll score - 7, q4 -7 for explaining inflation wrongly, expectation of interest rate increase, dunno how - 3 at least and the last question 20 marks answer barely one page dunno how well i'll fare -10 lor, i feel good -31 marks
good game.. there's goes another A fuck it ar.

EC Paper

haiz study the whole nite for EC and today morning went to sit for the paper. Okies lar i started by doing the usual by highlight the paper and then begin to read den write my answer. the first question was quite simple lar, everything can crap out and can quote from the source for evidence. Den the second question wa kao eh my answer getting shorter and shorter only. Dunno whether my explanation is enuff. Let's hope it is lar. Den the third question i attempted Q4 the E-security one knn i know all the risks but i nv read the elaboration so i anyhow bull i my elaboration confirm cannot make it liao that one can get 10 marks i happy liao. Last question on marketing heng got go and remember all the heading and contents before the exams. But sad lar i tink i wasted too much time on the first question so my answer onli got shorter and shorter. overall the paper doable. Hope i get an A for this paper.

After that i went home and slack the whole afternoon. Haiz. okies got read a little on IEF but haiz nothing much done. think gonna have my dinner den revise AAA den go to sleep liao Ciaoz

Back to Church

Sunday morning, the church's renovation is finally done and so we're finally back in church. And i have to say, it feels so familiar yet so different. The place is so much cooler because of the airconditioning and the flat screen tvs have been installed to replace the use of missals and hymnals and the choir has the corner right hand of the side of church next to the altar all to ourselves. and it felt so much better as compared to have mass in the auditorium. No comparison man. The atmosphere is so much more different.

but somethings still are the same, the choir is still not proportionate with a ratio of like 3 guys to 15 gals. One more things, moving back to the church has actually given me back the reason to sing. I guess it has reminded me why i join the choir in the first place, to sing of God's praise in the house of god. And u know and u know because the church is so much more beautiful now, just looking up at the altar given up a sense of awe and inner peace. Well, todays' homily was about forgiveness and i guess i have to seek a lot of people forgiveness, especially from my family for all the wilful things i did.

I came back home, took some pills and immediately went be to sleep and I slept all the way past noon but i still felt so tired. Waking up to find the house empty was actually quite a good feeling. I could do anything i wanted to but yeah i had to study and i have to say, i'm a little afraid that i'll screw EC up not.. cos i cant answer many of the past year questions. So screwed up this is. I tink i'll leave this entry.

Lament

i guess it just the way i am.. Nv contented, always dreaming the impossible and always to get there and when there's not one to whom i dare to share this with. I end up lamenting here.

Regretting why i din study this little bit harder. Wishing i did, cos now i just waste my chance for an A for PMKT. what's left is just this glitter of hope and people will tell me this,"Aiyah, B+ /B oso good la" but i guess it's me, and i trying to be a perfectionist?, maybe. Am i trying to reach the destination that is still so blur to me.

Well i'm saying this because i just finished my Marketing paper. I have to say Lloyd takes a lot of abuse for no apparent reason. He always say that he's not gonna do well and dunno wad shit wad else and in the end he does well. and today Khay Wai just finished the paper like god damn easy and i was like okies dun panic, dun be anxious just keep going. Stay the course and you'll be fine. Yeah i completed the paper on the dot, not having the time to check, and forgot to write the date and question i attempted. seriously hope i dun get penalized now, and then people say i write a lot but that's just not true if u ask me, when i scribble it's just crazy. Each time i going into the paper half hearted, i feel so half hearted when i come out too.

Right after there was no one to talk to, i retracted back to be a loner. On the bus,i was thinking to myself, how screwed up the paper was, screwing up question one. leaving out one variable. i mean i could have just listed it den the segmentation oso never explain properly haiz. then the other question cannot make it
10 marks two points to write and my answer is barely past 5/8 of the page how to get the full marks. Yeah sorrie, i'm not lloyd, i write like mad to get the same amount of marks as he does. Aiya.. i guess there's not point crying over spilled milk and it time to move on other things. And then i was there at subway harbourfront with a view of the harbour(i mean the sea lar). and i was like dreaming, haiz when will i be able to sit at the beach and just enjoy the quiet moment, watching the tide rise and fall. and then i was back to reality again, remembering how the beach we will be crowded with volleyballer, kids playing sandcastle and making a ton of noise and having fun. I might be getting old before i actually had fun, wishing to have time already and so a tender age.. Haiz...

i tink i've lamented enuff... feel much better alreadi, think i'll go shoot time crisis a little and go meet my pals... Study hard peeps and thank you for the sms. You know who u are :)

Need to REcharge Again

I'm losing my will to study... Today was supposed to finish studying my IEF but it seems like i'm long way from it.

I feel so scare now.. feeling like i dun want to do anything to do with studying again. I really hate this feeling. Actually even having the tots of giving up. it's so disappointing. I need to forgot all of this....

Passion

I guess i've really let myself down. Just saw something and well i guess it was kind of expected considering the fact that everything was quite screwed up.

I was really tired and really really not wanting to do a damn thing so in the end it was down to just allocating of work and nothing more that than and getting that kind of grade or dunno wad u call it was quite expected. Furthermore, working with certain people is becoming quite a chore i think. We're all getting quite complacent and worst of all, there was really no direction. U know that u have this ideal plan in ur head that when u reach there, u're suppose to get down to business and do this certain tasks but den when u reach there, u dun have the energy to do so and no one seems to be worried or even care whether the content is good enuff

i guess it's all coming back to haunt me. The effort i have put in so far. Really really not wad i'm really capable of. Up to this moment, i've really been just plain lazy and plain lost and need a rude awakening and i guess i just got it. a Really rude one if i say so. Trying to keep my dreams alive by putting in all the effort now. If u see me slacking off. Pls try and help me focus.

Motivation

Okies it's been two days since the school lessons stopped and i can't seem to get back to studies, to mugging. All i keep thinking about is all i need to do study but somehow nothing is going in.

Sometimes it really makes me wonder why the hell do i actually study. Will studying really make my life better in the future. Will it? i might i guess but is really what i want? what do making ur life better means. You possess all the material riches in the world? Everyone look up to u cos u're intelligent and influential. Or maybe just maybe you would be able to live a comfortable life with a family of ur own and ur parents are happy to be looking after ur children for you.

Well it all seem a little too far fetched to be thinking of this right now. But i seriously can't seem to get my mind in the right place. Not knowing why i'm studying for. We all do things without knowing what consequences we'll have to bear and what paths lies ahead for us. Just holding on a doubtful fool's hope of a bright and beautiful future doesn't seem to work anymore. Studying for the sake of the LOVE doesn't seem to make any sense when not one seem to care whether i pass out or fail other than myself.

You know they always say that dreams will be always be dream unless u act on them? i trying very hard to change my stars but somehow... I just feel so lost. I really don't know who i am anymore.